Membership has its Privilege

OK, I don't know exactly where to start this one, but it's one of two blogs I promised to write a couple weeks ago.

First, and this may come as a shock, but I am biologically male. I'm genderfluid / femme and do not claim anything in particular from my biology. Most days, I'm generally disdainful of the male gender.

Second, I identify as white (though my mom is 100% Latinx by way of El Salvador), not because of any discomfort at being half-Latinx, but because, aside from my long, black, wavy hair I am nearly as white as it gets.

Thirdly, I identify as Catholic, though I'm a pretty terrible Catholic and do not agree with a lot of the structure of the Church. I like Pope Francis (a LOT) but I don't see him as more than a moral leader and focus of the Church's actions on Earth. God and his Son and the Holy Spirit. That's it for me (yes, I was Southern Baptist for many years).

Fourthly, I'm college-educated, with a Bachelor's and some OTJ training in computer software. Over 6 years as a Java Enterprise developer. Over two decades of professional, career-oriented work in the field I studied.

Finally, I'm married to a beautiful woman (22 years in November) and we have 3 kids: The layabout shiftless one, the much-put-upon middle child and the Princess of All Worlds.

Why am I putting this out there? Because I have a really terrible frame of reference for understanding the effect of privilege. White Privilege, Male Privilege, etc. It was an issue before Trump, but just got worse after, and especially lately. My social feed is awash in stories of how people of privilege don't understand what's happening to PoC, religious "minorities" and others who aren't (in general) white, cishet males.

Story after personal story has broken about how someone abused their privilege to hurt someone, and so many others pipe up denying the effects, blaming the victim, gaslighting, or flat-out dismissing them because they AREN'T in the club.

I have an embarrassment of riches in the privilege department, yet, I don't think I've ever tried to put myself over anyone. In fact, I'm much more the peacemaker and team-supporter (not leader). This has been true since I was young, it was true when Aerin-the-identity began to take shape 30 years ago, and it's core to my beliefs now.

Of great help to me in NOT abusing privilege is the fact that my parents (mix of HS/college/trades educated, married for over 45 years, etc.) never once led me to THINK we were at all superior. I don't feel we were made to ever feel bad about our lot - in fact, as kids, we did a lot of grocery shopping at dollar/thrift type stores and made do with less. They taught us love and respect and humility without ever blending shame into it.

Sure, there were times in middle school where I was acutely aware my clothes, electronics, etc. were second-tier, but I don't think I ever resented those "with". I just hated those who made me feel bad because I was "without". Yes, I got emotionally bullied a lot. But then, if you ever meet me, and get me to tell you stories of my early teens, you'd see I was a bit of a weirdo. Still am in fact!

I really think I got where I am - both in life attitude and ignorance of hate - because Love was central to our family life. My parents have never been shy about their love. They were never shy about loving me or my sister. My dad STILL often hugs me when we get together. And Love is so central to my way of approaching life.

Hate is not a foreign concept to me, but I just don't traffic in it enough to comprehend the hate for "otherness" that's plaguing us nationally. When I was 14? 15? I made a conscious decision to not let hate fester in my heart and it's been one of the best things I ever did.

'Course, it leaves me scratching my head almost nightly at some of the absurd things I've been seeing. Women as property or beholden to men's "needs". Judeo-Christian (or maybe even Christian only) faith or get out. Not born here? From the "wrong" country? Turn around. Gays/Transgender need not apply - you don't count.

Odds are T will not win the White House on November 8th. But he has a crapton of supporters invoking his name and lately, the ideals of the KKK, National Socialists / anti-Semites, and worse. Here in America, for the love of God. Where will all their hate go on November 9th? I pray it won't turn into a backlash against everyone they dislike...

I'd much rather love all and serve all.

I'm Sad, Sick and So So Tired

A few days ago, I saw that Leslie Jones of SNL and Ghostbusters fame was attacked on social media. Many messages sent her way were criticisms of her role as Patty in the new GB. Some bashed her comedy or place in the film - or its existence at all.

But a shocking number of "people" chose to attack her very being. As if her race has anything to do with feminism or the movie in any specific way, besides the director wanting to mirror the original cast's racial makeup. The things they said were beyond ignorant, and they were fuelled by hate.

(Side note, so glad Milo is gone. Can we get rid of the rest of the "provocateurs" please? Pretty-please?)

Last night, Ape and I watched part of Trump's formal acceptance of the RNC candidacy for President. At one point, he mentioned protecting "LGBTQ" and the pained way it came out didn't fill me with any sense of caring. In fact, I noted the line was part of a commitment to protect all citizens, so he wasn't going out of his way for anyone in particular.

Nevermind his newly-minted VP Pence's horrid stances on LGBT and women's issues.

Today, woke up to some post-Convention fallout. Laura Silverman tweeted about hugging Muslim, LGBTQ, POC and Jewish friends. The responses, frankly, shocked me.

Look, I'm not stupid, and I grew up with casual racism from my childhood bestie's dad, and from my FIL today. Lots of homophobia as well.

What I didn't expect, and what I'm still confused by, is so much hatred for Jews in particular.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm against hate speech, racial and ethnic slurs, and genocidal threats against anyone. But for whatever reason (Catholic privilege?) I never dealt with racism against Jews. Watching _School Ties_ and the abuse Brendan Fraser's Jewish student endures, I cringed but thought I was watching history. Or at least, that the attitudes in the film were presently-in-1992 limited to outliers.

So today, in 2016, I was stunned to see "person" after "person" spew unconscionable bile towards Laura and Jews the world over. Don't worry, Muslims, they didn't forget you - there were plenty of anti-Muslim / Islamophobic comments.

This is probably going to make me sound REALLY ignorant, but the part I'm trying to get my brain around is why Jews are such targets. Blacks? "Affirmative Action takes from me; my grandparents used to own people like you" Muslims (and non-Christians in general these days)? "Terrorists; financers of terror; religion of peace my butt!"

But what's going on with anti-Semitism, and why is it STILL so prevalent? I hear the Jew-jokes on South Park and I know they're based on attitudes of the past. Or so I thought.

Seriously, sincerely and please - help me understand. I don't like seeing any bigotry or hate, but I'm flummoxed as to why Jews are still targets.

Now Is Not The Time For Anger

Hello everyone. I hope, after the horrors of this weekend that the day finds you well enough.

This post is going to be a long one and I'm gonna cover a lot.  Please bear with.

More than once on Twitter, I've commented that Hillary is my choice largely because she's campaigning on gun control.  Unless I'm misreading or something's changed, Trump is a strong supporter of gun rights and the Second Amendment.

Please let me be clear (again). I'm not asking for "the gub'mint" to TAKE your guns.  What I want is a change to how guns are sold, promoted and used.  I consider myself a little-l libertarian in that what doesn't harm another shouldn't be overly restricted.  BUT time and time again we've shown that collectively we aren't capable of self-control.

So, what I really pray for is that we reach a point in this country that guns are treated like cigarettes - legal, but restricted and frowned upon.  We finally beat back the tobacco companies in the name of public safety (though I still want smoking in a car with a minor child to be a primary offence) and we need the same attitudes towards guns.

I want the NIH and people's doctors to be able to ask about guns. To do research on gun use, ownership and violence. There should be no reason on earth my daughter's pediatrician be barred from asking if we have a gun in the house.

More to the point, I don't want to see another post on Facebook, after something like the Pulse Nightclub shooting, wherein the author says it's our duty not just our right to be armed. No. No. No. It is our duty to be vigilant, not to be a mob.

So, back to politics. I mentioned being pro-Hillary after Pulse for both her gun control and pro-LGBT* positions. Actually, I responded to another tweet about voting in all possible races, supporting candidates who will do something about gun violence and bigotry.

A mutual twitter friend rebuked me, saying Hillary was using both issues conveniently, and was recently on the other side. She also dinged me for Hill's weak gun stance because apparently this friend's fiancee was shot dead 10 years ago.  I was gobsmacked - how could they NOT vote for Hillary since she's the only Presidential candidate saying they'll do something?

Hillary's a politician.  She's also human and allowed to change her mind.  Also also, here's the real point.  I believe Trump is telling the truth when he says he wants to close America off. That he's a xenophobe. That he wants gun rights. That he's anti gay marriage and the like.  I believe his supporters when they cheer for him.

Hillary may be a recent "convert" or she may be lying.  I don't know.  But damn it, I'll take the possible liar over vile truth any day of the week.

Moving on tangentially:

I've been under a lot of stress and this weekend isn't helping. It's only a matter of time before Elder comes out. I'm 100% supporting them, as is my family. Ape is uncommitted at this point and I don't know where her family will line up. On the way to dinner last night, I warned Ape if any of her family or the nephews' friends said anything stupid I was going to lose my mind and say something.

The pressure of feeling like I have to stand between Elder and people who should love them regardless of their gender is wearing me down. Thank GOD I have therapy tomorrow.

It's bad enough when Elder loses out on a good job because of gender discrimination. Or when their girlfriend's stepdad says something stupid and unwelcoming. Or when I wake up to hear some ignorant "person" shot up a nightclub because seeing two guys kissing earlier made him angry?

I have my *own* identity costing me "emotional spoons" (teaspoons - it's really not a lot considering) on a constant basis, but I'm not afraid for my life. Lately tho', I've begun to worry about Elder's. When they started driving, I dreaded "that call" - and got it, but they were OK. The car, not so much,

Now I dread "the other call." Every time they go out with friends I worry. And it makes me angry and sad that I have to. That people are so easily upset, bothered, angry by anything which to them is "other."

It's a lot like all this vitriol spread because of the new Ghostbusters, or Anita Sarkeesian commenting on games, or Lindy West saying she's happy with herself. Why are people so quick to hate that which isn't them? Or in agreement with their views?

Yes, I'm angry about the world Elder is growing up in. I'm angry about Pulse, and the ding-dong that was headed to an LA Pride event with weapons and explosives but thank God was stopped. I'm mildly angry at the guy who pulled out in front of me this morning forcing me to change lanes. I'm angry I have to *be* angry because that's not who I am.

And because anger doesn't usually lead anywhere positive. It can, of course, be a motivator for change. But for too many people, it just leads further down.

Long rambling story short: This week, and the next, and forever more, try to offset any anger you feel with love for yourself or another. I've been extra huggy this weekend because I want my loved ones to know for sure that I love them, no matter what happens.

I love you all and I wish nothing but blessings and peace. If you don't have that right now, I gently ask you find it any way you can. Don't let the darkness overwhelm you. It's not wrong to have moments of dark so long as they're broken up by light. And love.

I love you all!

When Strength Is Weakness

** Trigger Warning - MeMe Content, Death, Funerals **

Hello friends! It's been a long time since my last update. A really long() time. 38620800 seconds or so, in fact!

When Jordan died 14 years ago I had to do the "lean on me / hold everyone else up" thing. After the funeral, and when most everyone else had gone, I sat beside his grave and cried a big ugly, deep cry. It was cathartic, and very needed.

When Mom went through her cancer scare 10 years ago, again I held everyone else up. But possibly due to her amazing recovery, I never reached that meltdown point. Oh it hurt. A LOT. But I guess still having her meant the deep sorrow wasn't there or wasn't coming.

Fast-forward to Meme. On 8/31/14 she passed. We had just seen her two days before. Since she had been in the hospital since May for end-stage CHF, her passing wasn't going to be a surprise. And because she stuck it out for more than 3 months, we all got time to come to terms with it. Still, rushing to the hospital after getting "the call" stank. Ape was beside herself and I was setting land speed records trying to drive 20 miles in as little time as possible.

We were too late, and after the usual "we did all we could" rundown from the medics, we saw her. I'll detail more of that experience in the other post. The point for this post is that it hurt. A LOT. Seeing Ape keening hurt. Seeing BIL and the nephews crying hurt. Seeing *my* mom cry hurt. *I* hurt.

Holding Ape through the nights after was one of the hardest things I did. It felt like I couldn't hold any more pain.

The night before the funeral, we had the "thing we can't call a viewing cos Meme hated that term." She looked so...good. Lots of people showed up despite the awful rain and we did what one does - shared happy memories of the past. Towards the end, Younger had had enough and broke down. I wasn't expecting that, but to his credit, the realization this was the last time he'd see his grandmother undid him.

We made it to the funeral. It was a very beautiful service! Father Jose gave a very passionate sermon (?) and we hoped everything was as Meme'd have wanted it. At one point, all four boys broke down, and later BIL went around the church to have a good cry. Ape said one of the hardest parts about the day was seeing her boys cry.

At the cemetery, there was more beauty and peace, and several of us spoke aloud. Of course there were more tears. Finally, Meme was laid to rest, and we left, headed to Ape's school which was hosting the "remembrance reception."

In the days after Meme's passing, Ape put together a long slideshow of family pictures and set it to some of Meme's favorite songs. This was what we watched at the school, while eating a buffet lunch. As with the church service and cemetery, everyone was so kind and caring. It felt nice to remember her some more in a less-than-funereal setting.

Later that night, Ape broke down again and I held her for a long time while she cried, grieving the loss of her mom and champion and friend and shopping buddy and...

Here's where I was going with this whole post. Of all the tears shed in the week or so surrounding this time, less than a handful were mine. I expect some people saw me holding Ape or the kids or SIL or whatever and thought, "Aerin's so strong" or "Aerin's a rock" or something similar.

I never wanted to be a rock, and as I said in a job-loss post, I stand because I must, not because I have strength. I am *angry* that I have yet to have my cleansing cry, and the more time that passes the less likely I think it'll be.

Part of what bothers me, aside from feeling like I have both pain inside and emptiness, is that I'm tired of the assertion that crying and emotionality is a gendered thing. Can we as a society get past this? It shouldn't be remarkable that any of the boys cried when Meme passed. And *they* shouldn't feel like they have to resist the urge to let the pain rush out.

This is what I mean by strength is weakness. People shouldn't feel compelled to bottle stuff like this inside. Whether my belief in the Well of Sorrows is real or fiction, holding this much inside is just not fun. If the people I care about are holding onto even a tiny fraction of what I feel I have inside me, I hope they know I'll hold them while they cry.

And maybe I'll finally shed my pain too.

Just Because You're Paranoid...

I've been thinking a lot about the whole NSA - Edward Snowden dustup. And what it and the responses mean for privacy. Then I had a chat with Dad where he stunned me by supporting PRISM, and things like speed and red-light cameras.

OK, without going too screed-y, here's what I think about some types of surveillance. Please note that I completely support pretty much any technique so long as it's used for a specific target and their connections and there's some kind of oversight into the info collected. I know full well information is extremely valuable and time is of the essence in tracking and stopping ne'er-do-wells. But there have to be limits too. The Constitution and all...

* PRISM, as described by Snowden (pretty much all major email/social networks providing data (not just meta) to some sort of massive data warehouse/analytics beast):

  Not cool, if it's going to build full electronic profiles on pretty much every net-connected citizen dating to whenever it got turned on. That kind of time machine and "into the diary" access is too much. The same system working in real-time aggregating full data on selected targets and then ceasing once the job's done is awesome tho'.

  PRISM-the-time-machine could too easily be used at a point in the future to prosecute and perscute past actions: "retro-crime" if you will. Or actions against a group that was once accepted but falls out of favor or makes enemies...

* PRISM and Echelon, automated keyword/connection detectors which alert human analysts when something triggers a threat alarm:

  Cool - these make sense, don't seem to have massive privacy implications and should restrict deeper dives to those who actually do something in the present.  Of course, this could still be misused, but as stated above, I'm expecting real oversight.

* Widespread public CCTV networks (think London):

  Cool - these really seem to work when tied to human enforcement on the ground ready to respond when something bad happens. It's a bit oppressive and could certainly be used to suppress public demonstrations and the like, but on the balance of public safety, right to movement and public security, I find them satisfactory.

* Drone-based surveillance:

  For me, it depends on whether these drones are automated or human-piloted. I'm generally accepting if there's a human operator making decisions on events unfolding. I can also accept automated droning if they try their best to keep the recordings/live feeds restricted to public spaces. But if they start collecting data on private places without warrants and oversight, especially collected in bulk and stored, then I don't like it,

* Red light and speed cameras:

  I'm torn - on the one hand, assuming everything is functioning properly, if you get popped by one of these it's because you actually violated a law. My problem is that these two types of tech-based law enforcement have really lent themselves to third parties selling towns on the safety and revenue opportunities, and then pocketing a lot of cash.

  That in itself isn't a problem, but far too many cases [citation needed] of unfair manipulating of the yellow light timing, or placement of speed limit changes just before the cams and so on have been documented. Florida in particular has raised a stink over yellow-light tweaks out of compliance with FDOT recommended timings. There was no reason or impetus to change the timings until the cams went in.

  This irritates me for the same reason many speed traps with human officers do. The police and city council types gas on about public safety but it's easy to believe it's really about revenue. Especially because resistance to things like speed traps and red light cameras seems to fade or be ignored when the town budget shows up in the red.

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So anyway, given that we're already well down the path of omnipresent electronic surveillance, here's hoping and praying those with the keys use it responsibly!