On Roadblocks

'Morning!

After making solid progress with my personal life I thought I'd be energized to tackle some things that need to be settled and take on new challenges:

* Get our household budget under control
* Get into crafting in a serious way (both clothcraft and culinary)
* Fix Shiroma's rear suspension
* Umm...

So, as part of my process, I posted two things here earlier this month. They're quite personal, at least based on /my/ standards of sharing details about my real life. And I certainly know that once it's out on the Internet, there's no going back. (There might be a way back but there are no guarantees what you want to retract hasn't been cached elsewhere)

I figured once I'd made some things clear to myself and said them aloud that the magic would happen.

Nope.

I'm doing well with work and with Ape and the fam, but other than that I have nothing left. And I don't think it's a DoT from my depression, which is in check right now. Of course, I'm wary about how depression lies (thanks, Bloggess!) but I don't think that's it at all. I'm quite content actually, aside from my lack of motivation.

I think the Jawas let me off the crawler with a bad one.

In any case, I'm still plugging away. And hoping my really nice sewing machine isn't hosed up from sitting idle. I wonder if my teacher is still doing "Stitch & Bitch" sessions...

Binary Systems

Good evening, Dear Reader!

I had something else in mind here, a followup to the previous post which ended with a solid outline of a study into the effects of internetworking on the development of imagination and roles. It's a good companion piece, and after some tweaking I think I'll add it to the "research collection".

But in the meantime, I'm changing gears a bit and going more personal.  It's something I've discussed in therapy which I'm calling "owning my identity." After much discussion with Ape, I'm at the point where I get to solidify concepts about myself which have been floating around and are more focused now.  In order to do that, I need to explain something I've observed, and seen echoed by many people. This something is an obstacle I still haven't found a route around.

In my experience, our world is still built around the notion of two sexes. This may seem somewhat self-evident, but it doesn't seem to work so well anymore. Before anyone I know personally begins hyperventilating, let me explain what I mean. Surely the general trend of acceptance for love, and lately marriage, among those of the same sex hasn't escaped your notice. I am all for that and have long felt that love is love. End of story.

But even if tomorrow came and there was no bigotry against same-sex couples being together, another issue would remain and one I think is actually the cause of people opposing marriage equality. The world I know is designed around the notion that there are only two genders, and that sexual identity equals gender identity.

This is where the world and I disagree.  A primer:

Sexual (or biological) identity - your biological parts. And this covers male, female, and intersex (androgyny, hermaphrodism).

Gender identity - what you feel you are. For most people, this matches their sexual identity. For others, there's a difference. It doesn't have to mean one is the polar opposite of the other. There can be a blending (a form of androgyny) or neither (asexuality).

Oh, almost forgot... Sexual orientation  - What identity you're attracted to. Again, does not have to be the polar opposite of one's own identity. This can also include multiple levels of "male" and "female" or neither - someone who is attracted to nothing.

For the purposes of this post, I'm skipping sexual identity and orientation. I'm really interested in how the world accommodates gender identity. Or doesn't as the case may be.

Now I'm getting to the point:

Think about hairstyles. Flip through a good fashion mag and look at hair. How many hairstyles would you say are exclusively for one sex or the other? Or look so "different" on one or the other sex as to lead "the average resident in Peoria" to reject its suitability?

We can do this with kids' toys. Dateline pulled a "What Would You Do?" with a dad and son duo where the son wanted a doll and dad resisted. Some other shoppers commented that letting him play as he wished wouldn't corrupt him. There's a YouTube video of a little girl in a toy store lamenting the binary state of toy design.

What about accessorizing? Barrettes / scrunchies, bracelets, belts, shoes, etc.

Or nail treatments? Other than the Goth kids at Hot Topic, how many guys have painted nails?

Then there's body care, like lotions, scents and scrubs.

And that's just the "fashion" category. What about things like sewing (guilty), reading fantasy/romance novels (really guilty) and dancing (sort of guilty)? Yes, I LOVED Twilight. I love Merry Gentry (but LKH seems to want to write more Anita, lol). I really want to make things for Bells and I want to finally do my cosplay. I've line-danced (one of the few makes AND one of the youngest too at our Y), do DDR quite well and am getting into Just Dance on the Wii.

Why can't these just be fun and rewarding activities? Why do I have to worry about sharing these things with most people? Do I have to worry?

My problem is that I want to pick some things from Column A and a few from B. But I doubt the level of acceptance amongst my extended family and coworkers would be high enough to make the gamble.

It's really frustrating. Especially since my orientation isn't at stake here - Ape can vouch for that. This is about personal identity and nothing more. And I'm not asking the world to completely forget centuries of history, family tradition and expectations.

What I *am* asking for is an explanation of why certain things (that you may have already thought of yourselves above) are acceptable for both genders. Yes, I'm going to bring up the double-standard of male items borrowed by the ladies. I'm not going to go through an exhaustive list, but there are certainly enough things that used to be really male that can be used by both sexes without consequence. Maybe not in everyday public situations but certainly in more personal settings, among peers. These appropriations don't raise eyebrows but if a guy tried the reverse appropriation there would likely be static.

And that stinks.

I've known I wasn't like everyone else since maybe age 7? 8? I grew up thinking the world was a certain, idealistic way only to have reality knock the rose-tinted glasses from my face. I desperately *want* the world a certain way but I'm realizing it just won't be that way anytime soon.

And that makes me a sad Mithra.

The other day, I saw a great cosplay and realized that no matter hard I tried I would never be able to succeed as well as that player. And I also realized that until the world learns to separate biological identity from gender identity and move beyond binary systems, I'm fighting a losing battle. I could dig in my heels and press on. I might even win a few rounds. But I suspect I'd ultimately lose by winning such a Pyrrhic victory.

The winds of change are blowing. I can see it for myself. But how long will it take for society's attitudes to tack in a more open direction?