Membership has its Privilege

OK, I don't know exactly where to start this one, but it's one of two blogs I promised to write a couple weeks ago.

First, and this may come as a shock, but I am biologically male. I'm genderfluid / femme and do not claim anything in particular from my biology. Most days, I'm generally disdainful of the male gender.

Second, I identify as white (though my mom is 100% Latinx by way of El Salvador), not because of any discomfort at being half-Latinx, but because, aside from my long, black, wavy hair I am nearly as white as it gets.

Thirdly, I identify as Catholic, though I'm a pretty terrible Catholic and do not agree with a lot of the structure of the Church. I like Pope Francis (a LOT) but I don't see him as more than a moral leader and focus of the Church's actions on Earth. God and his Son and the Holy Spirit. That's it for me (yes, I was Southern Baptist for many years).

Fourthly, I'm college-educated, with a Bachelor's and some OTJ training in computer software. Over 6 years as a Java Enterprise developer. Over two decades of professional, career-oriented work in the field I studied.

Finally, I'm married to a beautiful woman (22 years in November) and we have 3 kids: The layabout shiftless one, the much-put-upon middle child and the Princess of All Worlds.

Why am I putting this out there? Because I have a really terrible frame of reference for understanding the effect of privilege. White Privilege, Male Privilege, etc. It was an issue before Trump, but just got worse after, and especially lately. My social feed is awash in stories of how people of privilege don't understand what's happening to PoC, religious "minorities" and others who aren't (in general) white, cishet males.

Story after personal story has broken about how someone abused their privilege to hurt someone, and so many others pipe up denying the effects, blaming the victim, gaslighting, or flat-out dismissing them because they AREN'T in the club.

I have an embarrassment of riches in the privilege department, yet, I don't think I've ever tried to put myself over anyone. In fact, I'm much more the peacemaker and team-supporter (not leader). This has been true since I was young, it was true when Aerin-the-identity began to take shape 30 years ago, and it's core to my beliefs now.

Of great help to me in NOT abusing privilege is the fact that my parents (mix of HS/college/trades educated, married for over 45 years, etc.) never once led me to THINK we were at all superior. I don't feel we were made to ever feel bad about our lot - in fact, as kids, we did a lot of grocery shopping at dollar/thrift type stores and made do with less. They taught us love and respect and humility without ever blending shame into it.

Sure, there were times in middle school where I was acutely aware my clothes, electronics, etc. were second-tier, but I don't think I ever resented those "with". I just hated those who made me feel bad because I was "without". Yes, I got emotionally bullied a lot. But then, if you ever meet me, and get me to tell you stories of my early teens, you'd see I was a bit of a weirdo. Still am in fact!

I really think I got where I am - both in life attitude and ignorance of hate - because Love was central to our family life. My parents have never been shy about their love. They were never shy about loving me or my sister. My dad STILL often hugs me when we get together. And Love is so central to my way of approaching life.

Hate is not a foreign concept to me, but I just don't traffic in it enough to comprehend the hate for "otherness" that's plaguing us nationally. When I was 14? 15? I made a conscious decision to not let hate fester in my heart and it's been one of the best things I ever did.

'Course, it leaves me scratching my head almost nightly at some of the absurd things I've been seeing. Women as property or beholden to men's "needs". Judeo-Christian (or maybe even Christian only) faith or get out. Not born here? From the "wrong" country? Turn around. Gays/Transgender need not apply - you don't count.

Odds are T will not win the White House on November 8th. But he has a crapton of supporters invoking his name and lately, the ideals of the KKK, National Socialists / anti-Semites, and worse. Here in America, for the love of God. Where will all their hate go on November 9th? I pray it won't turn into a backlash against everyone they dislike...

I'd much rather love all and serve all.

I'm Sad, Sick and So So Tired

A few days ago, I saw that Leslie Jones of SNL and Ghostbusters fame was attacked on social media. Many messages sent her way were criticisms of her role as Patty in the new GB. Some bashed her comedy or place in the film - or its existence at all.

But a shocking number of "people" chose to attack her very being. As if her race has anything to do with feminism or the movie in any specific way, besides the director wanting to mirror the original cast's racial makeup. The things they said were beyond ignorant, and they were fuelled by hate.

(Side note, so glad Milo is gone. Can we get rid of the rest of the "provocateurs" please? Pretty-please?)

Last night, Ape and I watched part of Trump's formal acceptance of the RNC candidacy for President. At one point, he mentioned protecting "LGBTQ" and the pained way it came out didn't fill me with any sense of caring. In fact, I noted the line was part of a commitment to protect all citizens, so he wasn't going out of his way for anyone in particular.

Nevermind his newly-minted VP Pence's horrid stances on LGBT and women's issues.

Today, woke up to some post-Convention fallout. Laura Silverman tweeted about hugging Muslim, LGBTQ, POC and Jewish friends. The responses, frankly, shocked me.

Look, I'm not stupid, and I grew up with casual racism from my childhood bestie's dad, and from my FIL today. Lots of homophobia as well.

What I didn't expect, and what I'm still confused by, is so much hatred for Jews in particular.

Please don't get me wrong - I'm against hate speech, racial and ethnic slurs, and genocidal threats against anyone. But for whatever reason (Catholic privilege?) I never dealt with racism against Jews. Watching _School Ties_ and the abuse Brendan Fraser's Jewish student endures, I cringed but thought I was watching history. Or at least, that the attitudes in the film were presently-in-1992 limited to outliers.

So today, in 2016, I was stunned to see "person" after "person" spew unconscionable bile towards Laura and Jews the world over. Don't worry, Muslims, they didn't forget you - there were plenty of anti-Muslim / Islamophobic comments.

This is probably going to make me sound REALLY ignorant, but the part I'm trying to get my brain around is why Jews are such targets. Blacks? "Affirmative Action takes from me; my grandparents used to own people like you" Muslims (and non-Christians in general these days)? "Terrorists; financers of terror; religion of peace my butt!"

But what's going on with anti-Semitism, and why is it STILL so prevalent? I hear the Jew-jokes on South Park and I know they're based on attitudes of the past. Or so I thought.

Seriously, sincerely and please - help me understand. I don't like seeing any bigotry or hate, but I'm flummoxed as to why Jews are still targets.

Now Is Not The Time For Anger

Hello everyone. I hope, after the horrors of this weekend that the day finds you well enough.

This post is going to be a long one and I'm gonna cover a lot.  Please bear with.

More than once on Twitter, I've commented that Hillary is my choice largely because she's campaigning on gun control.  Unless I'm misreading or something's changed, Trump is a strong supporter of gun rights and the Second Amendment.

Please let me be clear (again). I'm not asking for "the gub'mint" to TAKE your guns.  What I want is a change to how guns are sold, promoted and used.  I consider myself a little-l libertarian in that what doesn't harm another shouldn't be overly restricted.  BUT time and time again we've shown that collectively we aren't capable of self-control.

So, what I really pray for is that we reach a point in this country that guns are treated like cigarettes - legal, but restricted and frowned upon.  We finally beat back the tobacco companies in the name of public safety (though I still want smoking in a car with a minor child to be a primary offence) and we need the same attitudes towards guns.

I want the NIH and people's doctors to be able to ask about guns. To do research on gun use, ownership and violence. There should be no reason on earth my daughter's pediatrician be barred from asking if we have a gun in the house.

More to the point, I don't want to see another post on Facebook, after something like the Pulse Nightclub shooting, wherein the author says it's our duty not just our right to be armed. No. No. No. It is our duty to be vigilant, not to be a mob.

So, back to politics. I mentioned being pro-Hillary after Pulse for both her gun control and pro-LGBT* positions. Actually, I responded to another tweet about voting in all possible races, supporting candidates who will do something about gun violence and bigotry.

A mutual twitter friend rebuked me, saying Hillary was using both issues conveniently, and was recently on the other side. She also dinged me for Hill's weak gun stance because apparently this friend's fiancee was shot dead 10 years ago.  I was gobsmacked - how could they NOT vote for Hillary since she's the only Presidential candidate saying they'll do something?

Hillary's a politician.  She's also human and allowed to change her mind.  Also also, here's the real point.  I believe Trump is telling the truth when he says he wants to close America off. That he's a xenophobe. That he wants gun rights. That he's anti gay marriage and the like.  I believe his supporters when they cheer for him.

Hillary may be a recent "convert" or she may be lying.  I don't know.  But damn it, I'll take the possible liar over vile truth any day of the week.

Moving on tangentially:

I've been under a lot of stress and this weekend isn't helping. It's only a matter of time before Elder comes out. I'm 100% supporting them, as is my family. Ape is uncommitted at this point and I don't know where her family will line up. On the way to dinner last night, I warned Ape if any of her family or the nephews' friends said anything stupid I was going to lose my mind and say something.

The pressure of feeling like I have to stand between Elder and people who should love them regardless of their gender is wearing me down. Thank GOD I have therapy tomorrow.

It's bad enough when Elder loses out on a good job because of gender discrimination. Or when their girlfriend's stepdad says something stupid and unwelcoming. Or when I wake up to hear some ignorant "person" shot up a nightclub because seeing two guys kissing earlier made him angry?

I have my *own* identity costing me "emotional spoons" (teaspoons - it's really not a lot considering) on a constant basis, but I'm not afraid for my life. Lately tho', I've begun to worry about Elder's. When they started driving, I dreaded "that call" - and got it, but they were OK. The car, not so much,

Now I dread "the other call." Every time they go out with friends I worry. And it makes me angry and sad that I have to. That people are so easily upset, bothered, angry by anything which to them is "other."

It's a lot like all this vitriol spread because of the new Ghostbusters, or Anita Sarkeesian commenting on games, or Lindy West saying she's happy with herself. Why are people so quick to hate that which isn't them? Or in agreement with their views?

Yes, I'm angry about the world Elder is growing up in. I'm angry about Pulse, and the ding-dong that was headed to an LA Pride event with weapons and explosives but thank God was stopped. I'm mildly angry at the guy who pulled out in front of me this morning forcing me to change lanes. I'm angry I have to *be* angry because that's not who I am.

And because anger doesn't usually lead anywhere positive. It can, of course, be a motivator for change. But for too many people, it just leads further down.

Long rambling story short: This week, and the next, and forever more, try to offset any anger you feel with love for yourself or another. I've been extra huggy this weekend because I want my loved ones to know for sure that I love them, no matter what happens.

I love you all and I wish nothing but blessings and peace. If you don't have that right now, I gently ask you find it any way you can. Don't let the darkness overwhelm you. It's not wrong to have moments of dark so long as they're broken up by light. And love.

I love you all!

When Strength Is Weakness

** Trigger Warning - MeMe Content, Death, Funerals **

Hello friends! It's been a long time since my last update. A really long() time. 38620800 seconds or so, in fact!

When Jordan died 14 years ago I had to do the "lean on me / hold everyone else up" thing. After the funeral, and when most everyone else had gone, I sat beside his grave and cried a big ugly, deep cry. It was cathartic, and very needed.

When Mom went through her cancer scare 10 years ago, again I held everyone else up. But possibly due to her amazing recovery, I never reached that meltdown point. Oh it hurt. A LOT. But I guess still having her meant the deep sorrow wasn't there or wasn't coming.

Fast-forward to Meme. On 8/31/14 she passed. We had just seen her two days before. Since she had been in the hospital since May for end-stage CHF, her passing wasn't going to be a surprise. And because she stuck it out for more than 3 months, we all got time to come to terms with it. Still, rushing to the hospital after getting "the call" stank. Ape was beside herself and I was setting land speed records trying to drive 20 miles in as little time as possible.

We were too late, and after the usual "we did all we could" rundown from the medics, we saw her. I'll detail more of that experience in the other post. The point for this post is that it hurt. A LOT. Seeing Ape keening hurt. Seeing BIL and the nephews crying hurt. Seeing *my* mom cry hurt. *I* hurt.

Holding Ape through the nights after was one of the hardest things I did. It felt like I couldn't hold any more pain.

The night before the funeral, we had the "thing we can't call a viewing cos Meme hated that term." She looked so...good. Lots of people showed up despite the awful rain and we did what one does - shared happy memories of the past. Towards the end, Younger had had enough and broke down. I wasn't expecting that, but to his credit, the realization this was the last time he'd see his grandmother undid him.

We made it to the funeral. It was a very beautiful service! Father Jose gave a very passionate sermon (?) and we hoped everything was as Meme'd have wanted it. At one point, all four boys broke down, and later BIL went around the church to have a good cry. Ape said one of the hardest parts about the day was seeing her boys cry.

At the cemetery, there was more beauty and peace, and several of us spoke aloud. Of course there were more tears. Finally, Meme was laid to rest, and we left, headed to Ape's school which was hosting the "remembrance reception."

In the days after Meme's passing, Ape put together a long slideshow of family pictures and set it to some of Meme's favorite songs. This was what we watched at the school, while eating a buffet lunch. As with the church service and cemetery, everyone was so kind and caring. It felt nice to remember her some more in a less-than-funereal setting.

Later that night, Ape broke down again and I held her for a long time while she cried, grieving the loss of her mom and champion and friend and shopping buddy and...

Here's where I was going with this whole post. Of all the tears shed in the week or so surrounding this time, less than a handful were mine. I expect some people saw me holding Ape or the kids or SIL or whatever and thought, "Aerin's so strong" or "Aerin's a rock" or something similar.

I never wanted to be a rock, and as I said in a job-loss post, I stand because I must, not because I have strength. I am *angry* that I have yet to have my cleansing cry, and the more time that passes the less likely I think it'll be.

Part of what bothers me, aside from feeling like I have both pain inside and emptiness, is that I'm tired of the assertion that crying and emotionality is a gendered thing. Can we as a society get past this? It shouldn't be remarkable that any of the boys cried when Meme passed. And *they* shouldn't feel like they have to resist the urge to let the pain rush out.

This is what I mean by strength is weakness. People shouldn't feel compelled to bottle stuff like this inside. Whether my belief in the Well of Sorrows is real or fiction, holding this much inside is just not fun. If the people I care about are holding onto even a tiny fraction of what I feel I have inside me, I hope they know I'll hold them while they cry.

And maybe I'll finally shed my pain too.

Just Because You're Paranoid...

I've been thinking a lot about the whole NSA - Edward Snowden dustup. And what it and the responses mean for privacy. Then I had a chat with Dad where he stunned me by supporting PRISM, and things like speed and red-light cameras.

OK, without going too screed-y, here's what I think about some types of surveillance. Please note that I completely support pretty much any technique so long as it's used for a specific target and their connections and there's some kind of oversight into the info collected. I know full well information is extremely valuable and time is of the essence in tracking and stopping ne'er-do-wells. But there have to be limits too. The Constitution and all...

* PRISM, as described by Snowden (pretty much all major email/social networks providing data (not just meta) to some sort of massive data warehouse/analytics beast):

  Not cool, if it's going to build full electronic profiles on pretty much every net-connected citizen dating to whenever it got turned on. That kind of time machine and "into the diary" access is too much. The same system working in real-time aggregating full data on selected targets and then ceasing once the job's done is awesome tho'.

  PRISM-the-time-machine could too easily be used at a point in the future to prosecute and perscute past actions: "retro-crime" if you will. Or actions against a group that was once accepted but falls out of favor or makes enemies...

* PRISM and Echelon, automated keyword/connection detectors which alert human analysts when something triggers a threat alarm:

  Cool - these make sense, don't seem to have massive privacy implications and should restrict deeper dives to those who actually do something in the present.  Of course, this could still be misused, but as stated above, I'm expecting real oversight.

* Widespread public CCTV networks (think London):

  Cool - these really seem to work when tied to human enforcement on the ground ready to respond when something bad happens. It's a bit oppressive and could certainly be used to suppress public demonstrations and the like, but on the balance of public safety, right to movement and public security, I find them satisfactory.

* Drone-based surveillance:

  For me, it depends on whether these drones are automated or human-piloted. I'm generally accepting if there's a human operator making decisions on events unfolding. I can also accept automated droning if they try their best to keep the recordings/live feeds restricted to public spaces. But if they start collecting data on private places without warrants and oversight, especially collected in bulk and stored, then I don't like it,

* Red light and speed cameras:

  I'm torn - on the one hand, assuming everything is functioning properly, if you get popped by one of these it's because you actually violated a law. My problem is that these two types of tech-based law enforcement have really lent themselves to third parties selling towns on the safety and revenue opportunities, and then pocketing a lot of cash.

  That in itself isn't a problem, but far too many cases [citation needed] of unfair manipulating of the yellow light timing, or placement of speed limit changes just before the cams and so on have been documented. Florida in particular has raised a stink over yellow-light tweaks out of compliance with FDOT recommended timings. There was no reason or impetus to change the timings until the cams went in.

  This irritates me for the same reason many speed traps with human officers do. The police and city council types gas on about public safety but it's easy to believe it's really about revenue. Especially because resistance to things like speed traps and red light cameras seems to fade or be ignored when the town budget shows up in the red.

---

So anyway, given that we're already well down the path of omnipresent electronic surveillance, here's hoping and praying those with the keys use it responsibly!

On Roadblocks

'Morning!

After making solid progress with my personal life I thought I'd be energized to tackle some things that need to be settled and take on new challenges:

* Get our household budget under control
* Get into crafting in a serious way (both clothcraft and culinary)
* Fix Shiroma's rear suspension
* Umm...

So, as part of my process, I posted two things here earlier this month. They're quite personal, at least based on /my/ standards of sharing details about my real life. And I certainly know that once it's out on the Internet, there's no going back. (There might be a way back but there are no guarantees what you want to retract hasn't been cached elsewhere)

I figured once I'd made some things clear to myself and said them aloud that the magic would happen.

Nope.

I'm doing well with work and with Ape and the fam, but other than that I have nothing left. And I don't think it's a DoT from my depression, which is in check right now. Of course, I'm wary about how depression lies (thanks, Bloggess!) but I don't think that's it at all. I'm quite content actually, aside from my lack of motivation.

I think the Jawas let me off the crawler with a bad one.

In any case, I'm still plugging away. And hoping my really nice sewing machine isn't hosed up from sitting idle. I wonder if my teacher is still doing "Stitch & Bitch" sessions...

Binary Systems

Good evening, Dear Reader!

I had something else in mind here, a followup to the previous post which ended with a solid outline of a study into the effects of internetworking on the development of imagination and roles. It's a good companion piece, and after some tweaking I think I'll add it to the "research collection".

But in the meantime, I'm changing gears a bit and going more personal.  It's something I've discussed in therapy which I'm calling "owning my identity." After much discussion with Ape, I'm at the point where I get to solidify concepts about myself which have been floating around and are more focused now.  In order to do that, I need to explain something I've observed, and seen echoed by many people. This something is an obstacle I still haven't found a route around.

In my experience, our world is still built around the notion of two sexes. This may seem somewhat self-evident, but it doesn't seem to work so well anymore. Before anyone I know personally begins hyperventilating, let me explain what I mean. Surely the general trend of acceptance for love, and lately marriage, among those of the same sex hasn't escaped your notice. I am all for that and have long felt that love is love. End of story.

But even if tomorrow came and there was no bigotry against same-sex couples being together, another issue would remain and one I think is actually the cause of people opposing marriage equality. The world I know is designed around the notion that there are only two genders, and that sexual identity equals gender identity.

This is where the world and I disagree.  A primer:

Sexual (or biological) identity - your biological parts. And this covers male, female, and intersex (androgyny, hermaphrodism).

Gender identity - what you feel you are. For most people, this matches their sexual identity. For others, there's a difference. It doesn't have to mean one is the polar opposite of the other. There can be a blending (a form of androgyny) or neither (asexuality).

Oh, almost forgot... Sexual orientation  - What identity you're attracted to. Again, does not have to be the polar opposite of one's own identity. This can also include multiple levels of "male" and "female" or neither - someone who is attracted to nothing.

For the purposes of this post, I'm skipping sexual identity and orientation. I'm really interested in how the world accommodates gender identity. Or doesn't as the case may be.

Now I'm getting to the point:

Think about hairstyles. Flip through a good fashion mag and look at hair. How many hairstyles would you say are exclusively for one sex or the other? Or look so "different" on one or the other sex as to lead "the average resident in Peoria" to reject its suitability?

We can do this with kids' toys. Dateline pulled a "What Would You Do?" with a dad and son duo where the son wanted a doll and dad resisted. Some other shoppers commented that letting him play as he wished wouldn't corrupt him. There's a YouTube video of a little girl in a toy store lamenting the binary state of toy design.

What about accessorizing? Barrettes / scrunchies, bracelets, belts, shoes, etc.

Or nail treatments? Other than the Goth kids at Hot Topic, how many guys have painted nails?

Then there's body care, like lotions, scents and scrubs.

And that's just the "fashion" category. What about things like sewing (guilty), reading fantasy/romance novels (really guilty) and dancing (sort of guilty)? Yes, I LOVED Twilight. I love Merry Gentry (but LKH seems to want to write more Anita, lol). I really want to make things for Bells and I want to finally do my cosplay. I've line-danced (one of the few makes AND one of the youngest too at our Y), do DDR quite well and am getting into Just Dance on the Wii.

Why can't these just be fun and rewarding activities? Why do I have to worry about sharing these things with most people? Do I have to worry?

My problem is that I want to pick some things from Column A and a few from B. But I doubt the level of acceptance amongst my extended family and coworkers would be high enough to make the gamble.

It's really frustrating. Especially since my orientation isn't at stake here - Ape can vouch for that. This is about personal identity and nothing more. And I'm not asking the world to completely forget centuries of history, family tradition and expectations.

What I *am* asking for is an explanation of why certain things (that you may have already thought of yourselves above) are acceptable for both genders. Yes, I'm going to bring up the double-standard of male items borrowed by the ladies. I'm not going to go through an exhaustive list, but there are certainly enough things that used to be really male that can be used by both sexes without consequence. Maybe not in everyday public situations but certainly in more personal settings, among peers. These appropriations don't raise eyebrows but if a guy tried the reverse appropriation there would likely be static.

And that stinks.

I've known I wasn't like everyone else since maybe age 7? 8? I grew up thinking the world was a certain, idealistic way only to have reality knock the rose-tinted glasses from my face. I desperately *want* the world a certain way but I'm realizing it just won't be that way anytime soon.

And that makes me a sad Mithra.

The other day, I saw a great cosplay and realized that no matter hard I tried I would never be able to succeed as well as that player. And I also realized that until the world learns to separate biological identity from gender identity and move beyond binary systems, I'm fighting a losing battle. I could dig in my heels and press on. I might even win a few rounds. But I suspect I'd ultimately lose by winning such a Pyrrhic victory.

The winds of change are blowing. I can see it for myself. But how long will it take for society's attitudes to tack in a more open direction?

The New Reality of Fantasy

This may come as a shock for some of you, but I'm just over 40 years old. Yes, old Mithra is old. And yes, my WiFi really is named "GetOffMyLawn" ^^ I grew up juuuust after the Sixties' wild ride and most of the Seventies' exuberance as well. But well before the dawn of the consumer side of the Information Age.

When I played, it was make believe with toys (Lego and other building toys, various action figures, some My Little Pony thrown in and a few handheld electronic games). When I played with friends, playtime often involved role-play (usually inspired by whatever hit movie we'd all just seen) but again, personal imagination was key, and most everything was all in our heads.

Gaming systems like the Atari VCS "electronified" everything, but it wasn't until a few generations later that home gaming got sophisticated enough to pull off game-based make-believe in the form of RPGs and adventure titles. What I mean is it took a bit for games to allow deeper individual expression inside the game world. Eventually, on PC and on video game consoles, the rise of the Internet would finally enable large numbers of people to connect to these worlds.

My introduction to MMOs proper was on January 1, 2007 with a little game called Final Fantasy XI. I'd owned PCs before this but I never tried computer-based MMOs because at the time, I was elbows-deep into flight, racing and space simulations. As it happens, these afforded low levels of individuality and did not offer a multiplayer component to speak of.

So, months into FFXI something happened - I began to play make-believe as I used to, inhabiting my character (basically a magical cat-girl who focused on healing) and building up an online identity reflected in the interactions of dozens of other players. These players often had their own online identities, and some of us played online regularly enough to extend conversations beyond game strategies.

Fast-forward six years. After a massive misstep, and a LOT of soul searching, I think I've found some answers. "But what are the questions, Aerin?" I'm getting to that. Patience, dear Reader!

Many of you know Ape and I have two sons (Elder and Younger) and a very recent addition to our clan whom I refer to as Creature, or Bells, here. Elder is knocking on 16 (*remembertobreathe*) and unlike me, he pretty much grew up in the always-on Net-connected world. His development wasn't really atypical during his pre-teen years - lots of toys, some friends, etc. But once he got to middle school and *really* began to socialize everything changed.

He took up an MMO called Roblox at 13 or so, and from there, quickly migrated to IMVU, Google Talk, and Facebook. As well as an iPod and a phone for IMing. And here's what I'm finding interesting. Through no known influence from me or any other adults, he's crafted an online identity which includes activities like sexting (well, text make-outs and such) and anthro/furry style RP.

On the one hand, it's interesting to see where he's taking some of these ideas. On the other, I've had to remind him on more than one occasion that he needs to watch his behaviour as we don't approve of certain interactions and he also needs to watch how emotionally invested he allows himself to become.

And yes, I suspect a few of you are screaming "Hypocrite!" at your screens as I solidly roleplay a fantasy character. True, but aside from an interest in counseling which he did pick up from me, I have to believe the other behaviours are peer-learned.

OK, so we're closing in on my thesis. What I would pay money to see is a study which takes the following factors into account and synthesizes some conclusion regarding the development of imaginations, identity and self-image based on play and social interactions.

* Given that for decades, we as a society have enabled our children to:
  a) use their imaginations
  b) be whatever they want to be
  c) express themselves

* Has the rise of virtual worlds featuring:
  a) highly-interactive environments centered on a personal avatar
  b) multiple options for customisation and personal expression
  c) while interacting with other people, often multiple in number and varied in physical location
  d) enboldened by a general air of anonymous free speech

* Affected the way they develop:
  a) Personal identity (esteem as well as gender)
  b) Social boundaries
  c) Expectations of friendship
  d) Acceptance of outside ideas and cultures

The upshot? I'm curious if the socially-recent "no personal limits" philosophy of growth combined with virtual world-building that truly enables that behavior has changed the way kids grow up.

Personal (and relevant) story time: When I was 5 or 6, I sometimes played with my older sister's toys. Being a boy, but in a family of very open parents, this wasn't frowned upon. For whatever reason, I wound up using both genders during imagination-time alone or with friends. And until I got to maybe first or second grade, my parents didn't interfere. Eventually, with the wisdom experience and worldliness brings, they gently guided me away from cross-gender play.

Some thirty years passed and then I signed up for FFXI, and it began again, rather unintentionally. Eventually, Aerin would represent an /identity/ ,not just an alias. And I think it has to do with the freedom to express oneself so easily and completely in virtual spaces.

What I see in Elder's virtual interactions makes me think he has a different perspective on people and relationships. I've no cause yet to think it'll lead anywhere unhealthy. in fact, as I mentioned, he's quite the healer, taking after me. And he's developed a sense of human rights and equality as well. I think I'm going to ask him how far it goes with him, the role play. Curious if he's truly developed a fursona or just having fun with fans of a certain "intelligent animal" fiction series.

I've got more I want to cover but I'm falling asleep... Might want to change the parameters a bit to consider both the "no limits" parenting and virtual worlds as two different enablers for self-definition. Either or both can be at work; they aren't mutually-exclusive.

Until next time!

Social Integration

As many of my Dear Readers know, I have a few social media accounts.  Since I don't play online regularly any longer, I haven't felt compelled to maintain this blog much.  But I don't want to stop journaling my life.  So, I've been using Twitter a lot recently, for book and movie reviews as well as #CuriousMithra musings.

I finally got my business trip pics uploaded to Facebook as well, but I'm such an FB noob that I really don't know how to tie it all together.  I'd like this blog and Facebook to be the authoritative records of my digital life, but I don't know how to integrate them, if that's realistically possible.

LordKaosu seems to have tweets going to his LJ, but I don't know if that's an app or manual copypasta.  I know there's a way to get this blog to tweet new posts, but as it requires trusting a third party with my Google account, no thanks.  What I really want is a safe and sane way for FB and blog updates to tweet, and for tweets to archive somewhere simple for archiving.

Until that day comes, I'll have to make do.

So, partly for completeness and partly for a starting point, here's where I keep a lot of my stuff:

* This blog
* Twitter (AerinRavage)
* Facebook (Aerin Ravage)
* Flickr (AerinOfSiren)
* GMail (AerinRavage)
* LiveJournal (aerinravage)
* No Google+ yet, despite the ending of the Real names policy

I also have Skype, AIM, Yahoo accounts (and even a DeviantArt profile) but those are just gathering dust.  I suppose if I ever get back into an MMO I'll use those for party/shell coordination and join the 21st century gamers.

Home Is Where the Trolls Are

(placeholder alert - I want to get these and some other thoughts down before I forget, but this post may change)

Since I've not been on any MMO's in ages, I've given PlayStation Home a serious shot.  As with most things, I'm AerinRavage there too.  And after many hours logged, here's what I think:

* It's a decent social platform, but it needs improved communication tools
* As a marketing platform, it's really hit-or-miss. Some promotions work well (Dead Island, Uncharted) and others are turn-offs (Resistance, X-Men)
* The "games" are a mixed bag as well, though the Home 2.0 update has at least improved things. Lag ruins the fun in many games, especially DDR ><
* Trolls, trolls, trolls. You all know how much I enjoy the psychology of trolling and being trolled, so I get a tickle from it all.  Even had an epic night where I tanked four or five hardcore trolls for 15 minutes or so
* USB keyboards. Less than 10 bucks. Please don't consume my evening with 7 wpm chats...
* Avatar customisation is a treat, but as long as I maintain my Sony boycott, I can't get the more stylish or fun items
* I think Home wants to be a true social hub for PS3 users but comes off like a poor IMVU clone

I've made a few good friends and have had a number of really fun and interesting conversations.  People like Dubbs, FFXIHealer, CherryHeartsMatt, MullacAbu, Femaelstrom, AJillSandwich, Tomaisin, and DonandGert have given me a reason to stop by Home but truly, there's just not that much there to hold my interest.

There's a screenshot function and I managed to get a few snaps of the Cantina mosh pit.  I'll grab those when I can and add them here.

Business Trip Part 2 - The Businessing

[And here's the second part. Still tl;dr but whatever]

From there, we stopped in Estes Park and Boulder, Colorado.  Estes Park was recommended by Ape's dad, and the easiest way to describe it would be to compare it to Gatlinburg, TN of 10 years ago. Lots and lots of t-shirt shops selling the same captioned tees, plus local and chain restaurants. There was a nice river running alongside the main drag, and we were a few days too early for the moose migration.  But I just didn't like it much.

Boulder was just because. We stopped at their version of an outdoor mall and walked around with Creature.  It was sundown and more of a romantic time than commerce-oriented. At 9pm, 12 hours after leaving Nebraska, we arrived at our Embassy Suites hotel in Denver.

Once again, we found ourselves in an Embassy Suites, which always reminds me wistfully of AWA. We got this one on a typical Ape steal-o'-a-deal, and aside from being in a kind of gritty location, the hotel itself was as nice as always.  We watched more TV and then crashed.  Why is it that it seems the nicer hotels have a more limited channel selection than budget places?  Same for Internet - most resorty places charge for it whilst most lower-end stops offer it for free.  Ape said it prolly had to do with each kind's target demographic - business travelers staying in the nicer places could fork out for better amenities.  Still cheesy...

Saturday was a typical whirlwind of activity.  After enjoying a wonderful Embassy breakfast, we went back up, got ready and headed out to Cherry Creek to meet a friend of Ape's.  She met us at the nicer mall there with her two young daughters, so of course there were many girly pictures taken.  We looked around for a bit and ate lunch in their food court.

Aside from a number of uppity stores, there were two highlights: a Lego kiosk, where a guy was selling mostly individual minifigs.  LOTS of minifigs.  Each side of his cart was lined with a wall of 'figs. It sure looked like he had representatives from every series.  I wound up taking pics of all of them and sending them to Younger, assuming he'd want something here as his souvenir.  I let him review those while I moved on.

The other "event" store was a Sony boutique.  It wasn't so much the room full of tech toys that interested me here.  It was the live-fire exercise in restraint, as I successfully maintained my composure and didn't grief the help.  I'm not normally a grudge-holder but the multiple indignities heaped upon me by Sony, or one of its tentacular arms, have put me off them.  But I smiled and spoke politely with ever-helpful salesfolk.  And they did have a few games on sale.

Before leaving, Younger called me back and told me what he wanted, so I ran back to the Lego vendor and  picked up an Admiral Ackbar (nope, not gonna!) and a Green Dragon.  We headed back to the garage, drove a short distance to a Whole Foods where we rejoined Ape's friend, and headed to Littleton.

Yes, /that/ Littleton.  We pulled into the Columbine High School grounds, not sure what to expect.  I know I *didn't* expect a festival and car show.  Our only goal had been to visit the memorial commemorating the terrible events and amazing heroism of that day.  Turns out the school was going to make us work for it.  The path we started on took us behind the memorial plaza, but there was no connection.  We did get a great walking tour of the sports field, the running track, and the nice kiddie park.

So, with two loaded strollers, our procession made a u-turn and eventually picked up the right path.  I must say, the design of the memorial is very tranquil.  I promise I'll get the albums and vids of this trip up soon! ^^  In any case, we all spent quiet time reading the plaques for the fallen students and teacher, as well as a rotunda-style assemblage of quotes spoken by various people during and after the tragedy.

After we took in the memorial, we went back to the grounds and took in the festival for about 45 minutes before we needed to leave for dinner.  Most of what was there (and there was a LOT there) was pretty standard festival/bazaar stuff.  A section of business representatives from the area and from larger outfits.  Food and craft tents.  Merchants of all kinds.  But one tent stood out as offering one of the neatest things I'd seen ages.  A vertical chessboard.

Imagine a frame with 64 small cubbies in it, arranged 8x8.  The chess pieces go in as you'd expect, but the twist is a "button" that marks that last move.  I chatted up the seller and he explained the idea was to allow games between people who can't always play face-to-face.  Think chess by mail, except both players visit the same space.  Each moves when they can and the board can be hung out of the way so that it doesn't take up unnecessary space and the board isn't likely to be disturbed mid-game.

Also, a woman looking at boards was doing so with an albino bearded dragon curled upon her shoulder.

Did I mention Colorado is a very liberal place?

Our last stop on our jam-packed weekend was an Italian restaurant called Cinzzetti's to meet with my first-ever boss and her husband.  However, "restaurant" as a description is totally inadequate.  Our friends got in ahead of us and were able to secure a table a bit before we arrived.  This struck us as unusual, because many places won't seat a party unless most of it is present, and, y'know, Saturday night.  So when we walked in the lobby and met my one-time boss, we had to thread our way through dozens of people.  I was trying to figure out what favor they called in to hold a half-full table so long.

Then we made it into the restaurant.  Or at least part of it.  The place was gargantuan.  They could hold a partial table because the place holds 600 people.  Not a typo.  I found a newspaper article in the back explaining that the location was originally a movie theater and office supply warehouse.  They specifically cater to groups, boasting "2 or 200, come on in!"  For once, I don't think it's advertising hyperbole!

So anyways, we all sat and spent a good while catching up.  Like 30 minutes catching up.  We haven't seen our friends since they moved out here though Ape's kept up via Facebook.  Finally, it was time to eat!  In addition to being ridiculously scaled, Cinzzetti's is a buffet and features five main "food bars" - soups, pastas, meats, breads and desserts.  And it was really really tasty!  So we spent a long evening eating and talking, until we just *had* to go.

It really was nice catching up with them, and getting to see recent pics of our respective kids, and hearing some interesting stories about college-bound teen parenting!  They are a really lovely couple, and like us, aren't afraid to be affectionate in public.  Ape and I would have done so as well, but Creature was sat between us /sigh  Oh, one other thing - normally, I feel reasonably clever, world-aware, and well-spoken.  Being with these two though makes me feel like a chronic underachiever.  Never mind a pair of Master's degrees - they're the most ambitious all-conquering people I know.  I really should seek inspiration, but, lazy Mithra.

We make a latish return to the hotel with plans of a little wind-down time before beginning the airport process early in the morning.  Two things stood in our way: a young lady was having her quinceañera and the parking lot was overfull.  So was the lobby.  I sent Ape and the baby up while I camped for an in-lot spot.  I got lucky pretty quickly and headed up, hoping the revelry wouldn't keep us or Creature up.

My other challenge was to get all our junk to fit our meager bag space.  Ape told me what was clean and what wasn't, and I set to work folding and stuffing.  It took an hour but I got all the bags sorted and ready.  Next time I vote for FedExing our dirty laundry back and using the new space for souvenirs.

The morning's drive to the airport and processing therein went much better than when we left home.  We had our "Amazing Race" moment as we went the wrong way out of the hotel and lost a little time getting turned around.  And dropping off the rental was interesting as there was no one to check us in and we were worried about a pre-existing rock chip that they covered in blue painter's tape.  All would be well though.

And our run through the airport was much much smoother.  This time, we got the scanner loaded like pros and I didn't get so much as felt up.  The flight out from Denver was uneventful but we had no time to eat.  So we'd planned to grab food in Houston and eat on that plane.  Do you remember the Amazing Race ep where one team just misses a flight, causing those on the just-rolled-back jet to cheer?  And then they went back to the gate?  Yeah, we very nearly had one of those.

Let me explain.  No, there is too much.  Let me sum up.  (Princess Bride!)  Our flight into Houston arrived on time, but for reasons that were never explained to us, our aisle passenger had MS and needed boarding assistance.  No worries there, as we have an aunt with MS and know how awful it is.  BUT...they unloaded all the other passengers first, then her, before us.  So we lost about 25 minutes of our layover/run to gate time.

So, on finally reaching the terminal, riding the tram and reaching the departing terminal, we looked for our gate.  B84 it said.  And look, the 80s are just over here.  At the end of a football field long hall.  Ok, ok, we're here.  No we're not.  Another hall, to just 80-84.  One more field later, we're in an elevated tower with our gate marked.  But there's no one there.  Ape stayed back to get breakfast so I looked around and eventually got in a customer service line.  The friendly girl told me 84 was downstairs.  O-kay.

I walk down the stairs and find myself in another terminal, with its own gate numbers! Aaargh!  So I find ours and lo and behold, it leaves in 5 minutes.  There's a guy there trying to get a standby seat and it doesn't take a high MND stat to realise he's about to get our seats.  The gate agent keeps asking me if I'm going to board and I keep telling her not without Ape.  We both watch the stairs for signs of her, and the agent continues to make final call announcements on her mic.

When Ape appears with literally seconds to spare, I frantically signal she needs to bolt, which she does as best she can with the stroller.  We get checked in and hustle with Creature plus all our junk to the gate.  Which is at the end of ANOTHER long hallway.  I was really getting aggravated by this point.  I mean, really, we had to be in Dallas by this point!  So we make it to the plane, which is on the tarmac with a rolly ladder next to it.  We quickly break down the stroller and bags and leave them and board.  I think one person got on after us but all eyes were on the disheveled couple with the wee one.

To make matters worse, I really need to go to the bathroom, having had no time since leaving the hotel some 4 hours earlier.  So the flight attendant graciously let me run back to the minuscule lavatory where I hoped they'd let me leave prior to takeoff.

After that near-miss, we had no further trouble with our return.  Ape's sis met us at our airport with the Clones and her mom.  Elder very nearly knocked me over, blindsiding me with a surprise bear-hug ^^  From there, it was lunch with most of our extended fam at Red Lobster, then home to recover and sleep.

Business Trip Part 1

[This is part one of a seriously tl;dr post]

Sometime early on Thursday the 8th, I was told one member of my team (and there are only two of us) was going on Monday to a client site in Nebraska.  My boss said he didn't care who went, and even offered to let us duke it out.  Was he kidding?  Iunno.  We had to sort it out quickly because we had to book travel departing just three days' hence.  Ultimately, it came down to a coin flip, literally.  Which I lost.

I had warned Ape this was a possibility and once I was the designated flyer, we tried to work out a way for her to come with.  We are rarely apart and to make matters worse, she was dealing with an arm injury which made it much harder to take care of Creature.  A day of frantic fare-searching later, we had our plan.  Unlike the five others (!) going from other teams, we would fly to Denver, rent a car, and drive the 5-odd hours into the client site.  With Creature.

So, Monday rolls around, and since our flight wasn't leaving until early evening, I went into work to try catching up on stuff for my other client, expecting the week in Nebraska to be focused on that one exclusively.  Leaving at noon-ish, I got home and Ape and I tried to get some rest before the evening journey.  7+ hours in the air plus 5 on the ground, not including moving through the airports and a layover in Houston.

Our plan to travel as light as possible and avoid checking bags meant cramming three people's things into two carryons, plus a backback filled mainly with our electronics, and a large baby bag.  You'd think we could get through the security line pretty easily.  Nope - despite Ape having traveled with the baby only three weeks ago, we looked like a couple of noobs, trying to get each other, the baby and all our crap onto the conveyor belt.  A very nice woman behind us, whom I suspect was in First Class, actually began hucking our stuff onto the belt!  It was exceedingly nice of her but dang did I feel like a useless Mithra!

To make matters worse, I got to visit the Nudie Scanner 2000.  Also, nobody told me that you were supposed to empty your pockets for that, as well as be beltless.  A TSA guy followed me in, asked for the contents of my pockets and my belt, then made me parade in front of the "backscatter X-ray imager."  Yeah, I don't /care/ what their official position is, they get to play with a nudie scanner all day.  /grumble

From this inauspicious beginning, we had a nice flight on a small plane into Houston.  We ate during our layover, then boarded a much larger plane for the leg to Denver.  This flight, being an evening flight, was about 20% empty, giving us plenty of room.  Things were great, until final descent.

In my four decades on this planet, I think I've only experienced mortal terror once.  That was on the back of a motorcycle hoping like heck my friend wasn't going to do something boneheaded and dump us.  He didn't, but that was really scary.  That was also like 10 years ago.  The descent into Denver?  Thought we were going to die.

I'm no amateur in flight, just in white magery.  I've flown transcon, short flights and long, and been in all manner of planes including tiny turboprops.  As much as certain rollercoasters unsettle my stomach, airplane turbulence doesn't really bother me.  I'd just as soon not have it, but it doesn't usually freak me out.  Plus, I have a trick: During shaky flight, look at the crew and other passengers.  I'd wager on any given flight around half of the passengers are regular fliers.  So if most (or all) of the plane is calm, then the rough air must be OK, right?

Also, most of the turbulence I've been in is when the plane is climbing or dropping through clouds, or passing through a storm.  Landing at Denver was different!  Because most of this turbulence was much closer to ground level.  I'd testify that a lot of the rolling and juking was happening under 200 feet.  Close to the ground.  Within view of the airport.  I didn't like it one bit!  Nope!  I was too scared to notice that the rest of the plane was pretty sedate...

By the time we got off the plane and to the rental car, it was about 11:30pm, Mountain time.  Our poor terrified bodies thought it was approaching 2am, and we still had more than five hours in a car!  In which half our stuff didn't fit in the trunk &gt;&lt;  The girl at the counter tried to upsell us but all we wanted to spring for was a compact.  So we wound up in a 2012 Ford Focus.  Nice car but not for suitcases and a stroller.

I'll spare you the details of our drive, because it was dark and the surroundings mostly featureless plains (which we couldn't see anyway).  I pretty much gave out at about 3am and Ape had to get us the rest of the way.  I was so proud of her, because she hates night driving and she was as bushed as I was.  But we made it to the hotel safely.

Despite checking in at about 5 in the morning, we were greeted warmly and were told we had no room, as one of my colleagues told the front desk we weren't coming.  Um, what?  Also, the hotel was pretty full.  Uhh...  The girl told us we were getting the last room and so we hoped for the best.  I think we were expecting a closet or something, but we somehow wound up in a large room with two queen beds.  And a whole 'nother room next to it!  And an amazingly comfy bed ^^

So, after getting settled in, I got to sleep for like three hours before meeting the rest of the client strike force in the lobby for the ride to the hospital.  I'm gonna skip ahead a lot now, because my days were pretty boring.  But I managed to get a couple of lunches with Ape, and after dealing with a work-only mixer for the client and a "team dinner" where Ape was invited, we had a couple of quiet us-only dinners too.

We also got to watch the finale of America's Got Talent (but no sense), in which Team iLuminate lost, placing third or fourth.  The finale was between Silhouettes and Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.  He won, and deservedly so, as I thought Silhouettes kinda peaked after their "monument" performance.

Ape spent her days killing time, as this place had Walmart as their big thing.  Really.  Lots of local shops, a couple chain restaurants, and agriculture.  But, she found a library and some nice parks to occupy herself and Creature with.

Eventually, Friday morning came, and with it, our return to Denver.  The rest of my colleagues were flying home, wherever that was for each of them, but we had two more days.  The drive back to Denver was much, much better than the drive from.  We took our time, making a number of stops along the way.  Also, we had fantastic weather and could see many interesting sights near and far.

Some rather charming things about our visit: The hospital itself was new and decorated in a definite midwest/Native American style, but aside from that, it reminded me a lot of the hospital I first worked in.  I often wish I could return to a clinical setting.  And the people in it wore more than just medical hats-most also ran family farms or did other agricultural or hunting related activities.  Very self-sufficient types.

An aside: Since a frank chat with Ape a few weeks ago, we've worked out a few things, and I've been able to move myself out of the funk I was in.  Being given hope for my dreams really helped stop the nulling.  And on this trip, through some surprisingly beautiful (for its simplicity) landscape, I really felt much better emotionally.  To the point I wanted to take lots of pictures, which I did.  But I'm still physically exhausted, and as some of you know, I'm also a pretty lazy Mithra ^^

A lot of the pics are of various farming scenes - fields, equipment, houses and barns. And some animals: Mooo!  There's a bunch of landscape imagery too, with the flatness giving way to hills and rockier terrain as we moved from Nebraska to Wyoming. I kid you not, there were a few times I was wistfully reminded of Meriphataud Mountains.

Cheyenne, Wyoming was very nice after the "quietness" of Nebraska. Although, we passed a number of towns which were a /fraction/ the size of the 5k populace of our original target city. One was under 400 people! And we stopped at a remote outpost for a potty break wherein we were obligated to buy snacks. Which we kinda wanted anyway.

So, Cheyenne... Our target here was a Mexican restaurant called Guadalajara. It was very festively decorated and I have some pics. I also have memories of eating an awesome thing called a tortas.  It was a meat-filled sandwich but between the fresh-made bread and the seasoning on the meat, it was amazing!

...つづく (tsuzuku)

September 11

10 Years of Heartache

10 Years of Heroes

10 Years of Healing

10 Years of Hope

------------------------------

It's been a weird ten years, hasn't it?  Today, Ape and I watched a lot of the Memorial coverage, after having gone to bed watching some of the documentaries Saturday night.  It's still surreal remembering how I found out.

Driving to work at about 9am, in the rain.  Cars pulled over left and right.  me, wondering what was wrong with the road to take so many off the highway - oil? spilled nails?  Finally, I turned on the radio and heard the news.  At work, we all watched around a TV, and I was on the phone with Ape most of the day.

I still couldn't believe both towers fell.  I knew they took a hell of a beating from the impacts, but I figured the tops might collapse around the lower undamaged sections.  But they fell, two massive giants felled by human intolerance.

For me, one of the hardest things about all the coverage that followed, aside from grasping the sheer scale of the human tragedy and the physical destruction, was some of the imagery of the planes' impacts and the jumpers.  Knowing that I was watching human beings die right *then* was and is hard for me.  I know that Death is a part of life, and if you've been keeping up, you know our clan has been visited by the "natural" kind as well as the death that follows an accident.

I'm not a White Mage and healer by coincidence.  I've long been one who attempts to heal all, any way I can.  And images of actual deaths bother me.  News accounts of a gunned-down drug lord, or a school massacre, or a car wreck.  They all bother me, because I feel it in some way, knowing that what was lost is not just an animated collection of organic chemistry and fancy nerves.

People are the most amazing things God made and all of us are worthy of existing.  All life is precious, but, for the most part, it's only humans that seek out to hurt others by killing innocents.

I don't think I mentioned this part, but maybe I did.  Days after 9/11, I wanted bin Laden caught, caged, and paraded through every town in America, beginning with New York.  Whether he cared or not (and one assumes he didn't), I wanted our survivors to let him know how they felt.  It wouldn't necessarily bring closure, but at least it would de-anonymise the attacks.

Of course, the end of the tour would have been the end of the line for him.

Then, a couple months ago, when the news came that he was dead, I saw Facebook posts, tweets, news blurbs and more where many people were celebrating his end, and there was a definite undercurrent of relief and gladness at his execution.  I will not blame anyone for feeling this way - for feeling *any* way really, regarding this monster and his monstrous acts.

But for me, there was a numbness.  I wasn't sure what I felt.  And then, after a time, came a feeling of finality.  Yes, I know there are more monsters out there, but THIS monster was no more.  Next came sadness, at seeing how people were celebrating the ending of a life.  I do not doubt that he, as well as many sociopaths/psychopaths simply need to go away.  But it did sadden me a little to see so much apparent joy in it.

Again, I do not blame.  But as a healer, it made me sad.  This was probably one of the most extreme cases of human wrongness since Hitler and Saddam tried their hands at genocide.  But there are many who die as villains and criminals for much lesser things and even still, there is a loss there that can never be recovered.

We shouldn't build bigger jails, though there is sometimes need.
We shouldn't torture and make to suffer those who have done wrong, though there is sometimes need.
We shouldn't seek to end lives, nor harm life for any reason, though there is sometimes need.

We need a way to heal.  To heal all wounds.  Those of the victims and those of the perpetrators of wrongdoing and in some cases, evil.  We need to heal /before/ there is a change in course to wrongness.

We should strive to build a world where no one feels harming others is the best way to meet their own physical and psychological needs.  Everyone was a child once.  Everyone was new, innocent, and amoral once.  We need to build a world where working together and preventing hate, intolerance and malicious greed is a common goal.

Am I an idealist?  Yes.  Am I floating in the clouds?  Most likely.  Am I wrong to want such a world?

I hope not.  But somebody has to believe we can all find a way to make everyone's dreams come true.

Sold!

Whilst perusing B&N for some new fantasy, I saw a book called Tattoo, by Kirsten Imani Kasai. The cover photo, of the book's title inked onto the back of a dark-haired woman, seemed interesting.

But it was this jacket blurb that sold me: ""I'm loving it - it's like furry sexy biopunk arctic witchery. Really." Annalee Newitz, Ed. in Chief i09.com

Then again, with glowing praise like that, this thing must be chockablock* full of thematic goodness!

*I almost wrote chocobo

What is this I don't even

Found this spam comment on my last post. I think I know why I have it, but I'm at a loss to figure out why it's on this post and not one of the Shiroma ones...

Links removed to deny spamming scumbags any joy. Also, I don't want my friends clicking on something called a vag tacho. /gigglesnort

"The [link]vag tacho[/link] that enables plug-in to OBD scan gadgets could be the same an individual as used by the dealership technicians as well. The number of examining offered for you is dependent upon the [link]Galletto 1260[/link]"

The uncertain optimism of the pitch (this /could/ be the same as a dealership's tool) makes me want to give them my credit card info, address, and BLIND FAITH.

Need To Update

Friday, 7/15: Did I really not post any post-HP thoughts here?!

From about a week ago: I think I truly now understand why cutters cut. No worries; I don't expect to do anything more than empathise. Also, turns out I'm a bonehead. Made a major miscalculation with regard to the family budget.

Wednesday 7/27: I took the plunge and rooted Mjollnir using adb on Linux. Couldn't have been easier and I love having total control. Between downloads of roms and explots, setting up adb itself and running the marathon of CL steps, I was at it for about 4 hours.

But I never had any problems and it was really easy. The actual terminal work was pretty painless, and as a bit of a shell scripter I can see how "one click" scripts could really do the job if coded right.

Spent maybe 2 more hours playing with settings, cleaning up bloat, looking for apps like a startup manager and BT keyboard interface. I grabbed three ROMs but I haven't tried them out yet.

Notes: Backup Master doesn't back up contacts (aaargh) and MMS restore doesn't seem to work. SMS to Gmail works great though, so I have all my pics there. Lost Llama's settings (double-aaargh) because I didn't know it saved its settings internally.

Friday, 7/29: Ape is *really* struggling with the finances (as drained by the addition) and possibly having to leave Katie and go back to work. I'm trying so hard to sympathize but it's not easy for me in the sense that I told her this was a likely outcome and that it was her idea in the first place! I *definitely* understand her not wanting to leave Kate. I don't want her working at all if possible.

Aerin the Plumber

Our house phone rang just after 11pm. It was a friend of ours calling frantically for help with a leaking icemaker water supply. A little unexpected ^^

So I grabbed a few tools, ran over to her place, got the supply knob unfrozen using a pair of pliers and asked her if she had a wet-dry vac to clean up the pool developing in her kitchen. I suspect that supply knob hadn't been turned since the fridge was installed who knows how many years ago. She could have fixed it herself but the little enclosure they put it in didn't really have room for a hand to grip the entire knob.

Hopefully she can get all the water up and avoid damage to her cabinets or floor.

Stop the Insanity

I can't beieve Sony is trying something so bone-headed so soon after the PSN hackathon.

Their PSN Pass is primed to kill the PS3 rental market and stop legitimate game sharing (think multi-gamer household to see why I'm so irate!) with a one-time code that links the disc to a single PSN account. Future users (through sale, trade or share) have to pony up an unspecified amount to gain access to PSN.

Whether Sony will bend a little and allow single PS3-sharing or x number of activations the way they do now for downloads is unclear.

This just days after I found out I lost all my "Welcome Back" goodies because I was too busy to free up 10 gigs of space prior to getting Infamous and Dead Nation and the two PSP titles. Bite me!

I am so ready to grab a used backwards-compatible PS3, the Cobra USB dongle, and a huge drive and:

* Recreate "The Fun Machine", with access to PS1, PS2 and PS3 titles, plus possibly DVDs if there's room
* Pirate at least the 4 titles I am entitled to. Maybe more. They just keep ticking me off!

Pink Floyd the Droid

50 points to whoever gets /that/ reference!

Tonight was Date Night plus Family Movie Night. This doesn't normally happen this way, but Transformers 3 was out and we all wanted to see it. Grandma was going to take the boys but a late plan change meant that we dropped the three kids off as normal and ate by ourselves, then picked the boys up for the movie, then dropped them back off again for the night. Confused yet?

About the movie. As I recall, 2 sucked. So badly that the head writers *apologized* for it. I think even Michael Bay (action auteur and Kyle's nemesis) apologized for it. And 3's trailers seemed good but inconclusive.

Go. See. It.

It's 2 and a half hours long, and after it ends, you'll feel like you've been riding thrill rides for that long. It's well-paced, often funny, and full of great action set-pieces that (with one exception) don't frustrate.

Also, Buzz Aldrin.

Buzz Freaking Aldrin.

You may not know this, but this Mithran is old enough to remember the end of the Space Race as recent history, and also to have lived through every moment of the Shuttle program, including the Enterprise. I even have an ancient NASA Shuttle t-shirt from waaay back. Elder has it now ^^

I don't normally go in for the "real men" thing, but the astronauts were indeed /real/ men (and later women) who braved the unknown, dodgy tech, and physics to go someplace I'd nearly kill to see firsthand. T3 opens with an awful lot of actual (and some doctored) space program footage and Kennedy/Nixon bits too. Later, Buzz himself makes a great cameo. I had to resist the urge to cheer!

But that was just the first bit of awesome. I won't spoil Number 2 outright. But he gets a "double" cameo and one of the best lines in the whole thing.

Also, Patrick Dempsey. As a high-powered playboy exec who just happens to be a pro racer. In real life, Mr. Dempsey has been racing in the Rolex GT series for three or four years now, in an RX-8. Yup. *My* car.

Also also, Datsun 510 aka Bluebird. I wouldn't mind having one of these in RHD trim if I couldn't collect an AE86 Trueno...

All four of us really really enjoyed it. Heck, Soundwave's in it, although they changed his voice too much for my liking, and Ravage doesn't appear. I'm pretty sure his Ravage is where I got my last name from.

Also, I spent most of the movie thinking of Shockwave's "worm-bot" as a hydra when I should have just called it a shai-hulud. But more cybery.

Oh, that one disappointing set-piece? The building that shai-hulud bends in half. When will movies stop showing ordinary humans stopping a free-fall by grabbing onto something one-handed, or catching another falling human, without including dislocated shoulders?

Yes, I'm nitpicking human abilities in a movie quite literally crawling with intelligent, shapeshifting robots.

Panama City Beach

Do the local bands do a cover of GNR's "Paradise City" with the town's name instead?

For our first summer event, we went to PCB for 6 days and 5 nights. Ape got us a great deal on a townhome rental walking-distance close to the beach and big enough for the five of us. So, Saturday afternoon, we packed the van full of people and luggage and drove the five-odd hours there. Before I go too far, during this trip I used the heck out of Mjollnir's GPS, and it was awesome, except for finding a Dunkin' Donuts.

Highlights for now, details later maybe?

Saturday: Creature slept almost the ENTIRE way here. We got into town in time for dinner and met SIL and her crew at a place called Pineapple Willy's. Meh. While it *was* on the beach, there wasn't anything special about the food or the service.

Sunday: I had to work so Ape took the kids to Sis's place (a 14th-floor condo on the beach) to hang out and to meet some friends of ours from Alabama. They used to live close by and Ape watched their kids often, but promotions in the husband's job meant a relocation to 'Bama. I was supposed to meet them later on but timing got messed up and they had to leave.

Dinner at Red Robin and shopping at a place called Pier Park - think Town Center but super-close to the beach. Met a FFXIV player at GameStop when I asked the girl at the counter about the collector's edition. She was a font of info about 14 - maybe it's not so broken at this point.

Monday: Most of the day was spent in Destin and Fort Walton. Found another Town Center shopping area and had a nice time looking around, although Elder managed to slice his toe open whilst texting and walking >< Dinner later then a nice fishing village/shops area with a great feel to it. Open air movies playing (Wall-E), fishing boats coming in, a "large bird" photo stand, and more.

Tuesday: I need to check my notes, but I think today was go-carts for the boys, a trip to an arcade, and one of the worst dining experiences ever, at a place called Dirty Dick's. Supposed to be good steak and BBQ but it was anything but. SIL and Bro's steaks were overcooked, and too thin for their tastes. Ape and Younger's food arrived after everyone else had eaten (and Younger's order was wrong on top of everything else). Service was poor as well.

I called for the manager who was not very helpful and we left very dissatisfied, though I wisely passed on the food. I wound up with Zaxby's most delicious Sweet & Sour chicken sandwich. Later, when I went looking for their entry on Google Maps to put in my review, I couldn't find one. Younger was quick to theorize they deleted it to hide their lousy reputation.

Wednesday: The boys met SIL & Co. for a day at the water park. Ape, Katie and I went to Panama City proper and its mall for more shopping and walking about. Later, we had professional beach pics taken. Then, I finally got to see their condo - *amazing* place! I'd have left the front door and patio open most of the time just for the breeze and the waves! Elder and I watched an ep of South Park, a pretty good one wherein Mr. Mackey directs a kindergarten play.

Oh, the Dunkin' Donuts thing. On the map, I could see where I needed to go but was unsure of the street names. So Ape and I punched up Sally, my GPS friend and proceeded to drive in a large circle, ending up at a construction site next door to SIL's condo. To Sally's credit, the satellite never locked in for some reason, so I can forgive her. And other than that, directions to several places around PCB and Panama City were spot-on!

Thursday: Before leaving, we finally stopped by the dune buggy place to see if it was worth my time. The track layout was very well done, and long. But the cars were anemic power-wise. I was roped into taking Younger around so with two of us on board it wasn't much of a driving challenge. Solo, or with proper power, their place would rock!

On the way home, we stopped in Tallahassee for dinner and, you guessed it, more shopping. Din was Longhorn. We'd had enough of local fare after Pineapple Willy's and Dirty Dick's. And it was /excellent/. Shopping was a mall that time forgot, with many shuttered storefronts, but somehow featuring TWO places offering tabletop gaming. Dessert was DQ.

I had to work Friday, and since we got in so late. I was bushed. But it went pretty well and led into a three-day weekend!

Our trip was fantastic and Creature traveled very easily. We had a great time, for the most part with few problems. We'd definitely go back, but we'll need a good local fixer to connect us with decent local restaurants!