When Strength Is Weakness

** Trigger Warning - MeMe Content, Death, Funerals **

Hello friends! It's been a long time since my last update. A really long() time. 38620800 seconds or so, in fact!

When Jordan died 14 years ago I had to do the "lean on me / hold everyone else up" thing. After the funeral, and when most everyone else had gone, I sat beside his grave and cried a big ugly, deep cry. It was cathartic, and very needed.

When Mom went through her cancer scare 10 years ago, again I held everyone else up. But possibly due to her amazing recovery, I never reached that meltdown point. Oh it hurt. A LOT. But I guess still having her meant the deep sorrow wasn't there or wasn't coming.

Fast-forward to Meme. On 8/31/14 she passed. We had just seen her two days before. Since she had been in the hospital since May for end-stage CHF, her passing wasn't going to be a surprise. And because she stuck it out for more than 3 months, we all got time to come to terms with it. Still, rushing to the hospital after getting "the call" stank. Ape was beside herself and I was setting land speed records trying to drive 20 miles in as little time as possible.

We were too late, and after the usual "we did all we could" rundown from the medics, we saw her. I'll detail more of that experience in the other post. The point for this post is that it hurt. A LOT. Seeing Ape keening hurt. Seeing BIL and the nephews crying hurt. Seeing *my* mom cry hurt. *I* hurt.

Holding Ape through the nights after was one of the hardest things I did. It felt like I couldn't hold any more pain.

The night before the funeral, we had the "thing we can't call a viewing cos Meme hated that term." She looked so...good. Lots of people showed up despite the awful rain and we did what one does - shared happy memories of the past. Towards the end, Younger had had enough and broke down. I wasn't expecting that, but to his credit, the realization this was the last time he'd see his grandmother undid him.

We made it to the funeral. It was a very beautiful service! Father Jose gave a very passionate sermon (?) and we hoped everything was as Meme'd have wanted it. At one point, all four boys broke down, and later BIL went around the church to have a good cry. Ape said one of the hardest parts about the day was seeing her boys cry.

At the cemetery, there was more beauty and peace, and several of us spoke aloud. Of course there were more tears. Finally, Meme was laid to rest, and we left, headed to Ape's school which was hosting the "remembrance reception."

In the days after Meme's passing, Ape put together a long slideshow of family pictures and set it to some of Meme's favorite songs. This was what we watched at the school, while eating a buffet lunch. As with the church service and cemetery, everyone was so kind and caring. It felt nice to remember her some more in a less-than-funereal setting.

Later that night, Ape broke down again and I held her for a long time while she cried, grieving the loss of her mom and champion and friend and shopping buddy and...

Here's where I was going with this whole post. Of all the tears shed in the week or so surrounding this time, less than a handful were mine. I expect some people saw me holding Ape or the kids or SIL or whatever and thought, "Aerin's so strong" or "Aerin's a rock" or something similar.

I never wanted to be a rock, and as I said in a job-loss post, I stand because I must, not because I have strength. I am *angry* that I have yet to have my cleansing cry, and the more time that passes the less likely I think it'll be.

Part of what bothers me, aside from feeling like I have both pain inside and emptiness, is that I'm tired of the assertion that crying and emotionality is a gendered thing. Can we as a society get past this? It shouldn't be remarkable that any of the boys cried when Meme passed. And *they* shouldn't feel like they have to resist the urge to let the pain rush out.

This is what I mean by strength is weakness. People shouldn't feel compelled to bottle stuff like this inside. Whether my belief in the Well of Sorrows is real or fiction, holding this much inside is just not fun. If the people I care about are holding onto even a tiny fraction of what I feel I have inside me, I hope they know I'll hold them while they cry.

And maybe I'll finally shed my pain too.

Just Because You're Paranoid...

I've been thinking a lot about the whole NSA - Edward Snowden dustup. And what it and the responses mean for privacy. Then I had a chat with Dad where he stunned me by supporting PRISM, and things like speed and red-light cameras.

OK, without going too screed-y, here's what I think about some types of surveillance. Please note that I completely support pretty much any technique so long as it's used for a specific target and their connections and there's some kind of oversight into the info collected. I know full well information is extremely valuable and time is of the essence in tracking and stopping ne'er-do-wells. But there have to be limits too. The Constitution and all...

* PRISM, as described by Snowden (pretty much all major email/social networks providing data (not just meta) to some sort of massive data warehouse/analytics beast):

  Not cool, if it's going to build full electronic profiles on pretty much every net-connected citizen dating to whenever it got turned on. That kind of time machine and "into the diary" access is too much. The same system working in real-time aggregating full data on selected targets and then ceasing once the job's done is awesome tho'.

  PRISM-the-time-machine could too easily be used at a point in the future to prosecute and perscute past actions: "retro-crime" if you will. Or actions against a group that was once accepted but falls out of favor or makes enemies...

* PRISM and Echelon, automated keyword/connection detectors which alert human analysts when something triggers a threat alarm:

  Cool - these make sense, don't seem to have massive privacy implications and should restrict deeper dives to those who actually do something in the present.  Of course, this could still be misused, but as stated above, I'm expecting real oversight.

* Widespread public CCTV networks (think London):

  Cool - these really seem to work when tied to human enforcement on the ground ready to respond when something bad happens. It's a bit oppressive and could certainly be used to suppress public demonstrations and the like, but on the balance of public safety, right to movement and public security, I find them satisfactory.

* Drone-based surveillance:

  For me, it depends on whether these drones are automated or human-piloted. I'm generally accepting if there's a human operator making decisions on events unfolding. I can also accept automated droning if they try their best to keep the recordings/live feeds restricted to public spaces. But if they start collecting data on private places without warrants and oversight, especially collected in bulk and stored, then I don't like it,

* Red light and speed cameras:

  I'm torn - on the one hand, assuming everything is functioning properly, if you get popped by one of these it's because you actually violated a law. My problem is that these two types of tech-based law enforcement have really lent themselves to third parties selling towns on the safety and revenue opportunities, and then pocketing a lot of cash.

  That in itself isn't a problem, but far too many cases [citation needed] of unfair manipulating of the yellow light timing, or placement of speed limit changes just before the cams and so on have been documented. Florida in particular has raised a stink over yellow-light tweaks out of compliance with FDOT recommended timings. There was no reason or impetus to change the timings until the cams went in.

  This irritates me for the same reason many speed traps with human officers do. The police and city council types gas on about public safety but it's easy to believe it's really about revenue. Especially because resistance to things like speed traps and red light cameras seems to fade or be ignored when the town budget shows up in the red.

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So anyway, given that we're already well down the path of omnipresent electronic surveillance, here's hoping and praying those with the keys use it responsibly!

On Roadblocks

'Morning!

After making solid progress with my personal life I thought I'd be energized to tackle some things that need to be settled and take on new challenges:

* Get our household budget under control
* Get into crafting in a serious way (both clothcraft and culinary)
* Fix Shiroma's rear suspension
* Umm...

So, as part of my process, I posted two things here earlier this month. They're quite personal, at least based on /my/ standards of sharing details about my real life. And I certainly know that once it's out on the Internet, there's no going back. (There might be a way back but there are no guarantees what you want to retract hasn't been cached elsewhere)

I figured once I'd made some things clear to myself and said them aloud that the magic would happen.

Nope.

I'm doing well with work and with Ape and the fam, but other than that I have nothing left. And I don't think it's a DoT from my depression, which is in check right now. Of course, I'm wary about how depression lies (thanks, Bloggess!) but I don't think that's it at all. I'm quite content actually, aside from my lack of motivation.

I think the Jawas let me off the crawler with a bad one.

In any case, I'm still plugging away. And hoping my really nice sewing machine isn't hosed up from sitting idle. I wonder if my teacher is still doing "Stitch & Bitch" sessions...

Binary Systems

Good evening, Dear Reader!

I had something else in mind here, a followup to the previous post which ended with a solid outline of a study into the effects of internetworking on the development of imagination and roles. It's a good companion piece, and after some tweaking I think I'll add it to the "research collection".

But in the meantime, I'm changing gears a bit and going more personal.  It's something I've discussed in therapy which I'm calling "owning my identity." After much discussion with Ape, I'm at the point where I get to solidify concepts about myself which have been floating around and are more focused now.  In order to do that, I need to explain something I've observed, and seen echoed by many people. This something is an obstacle I still haven't found a route around.

In my experience, our world is still built around the notion of two sexes. This may seem somewhat self-evident, but it doesn't seem to work so well anymore. Before anyone I know personally begins hyperventilating, let me explain what I mean. Surely the general trend of acceptance for love, and lately marriage, among those of the same sex hasn't escaped your notice. I am all for that and have long felt that love is love. End of story.

But even if tomorrow came and there was no bigotry against same-sex couples being together, another issue would remain and one I think is actually the cause of people opposing marriage equality. The world I know is designed around the notion that there are only two genders, and that sexual identity equals gender identity.

This is where the world and I disagree.  A primer:

Sexual (or biological) identity - your biological parts. And this covers male, female, and intersex (androgyny, hermaphrodism).

Gender identity - what you feel you are. For most people, this matches their sexual identity. For others, there's a difference. It doesn't have to mean one is the polar opposite of the other. There can be a blending (a form of androgyny) or neither (asexuality).

Oh, almost forgot... Sexual orientation  - What identity you're attracted to. Again, does not have to be the polar opposite of one's own identity. This can also include multiple levels of "male" and "female" or neither - someone who is attracted to nothing.

For the purposes of this post, I'm skipping sexual identity and orientation. I'm really interested in how the world accommodates gender identity. Or doesn't as the case may be.

Now I'm getting to the point:

Think about hairstyles. Flip through a good fashion mag and look at hair. How many hairstyles would you say are exclusively for one sex or the other? Or look so "different" on one or the other sex as to lead "the average resident in Peoria" to reject its suitability?

We can do this with kids' toys. Dateline pulled a "What Would You Do?" with a dad and son duo where the son wanted a doll and dad resisted. Some other shoppers commented that letting him play as he wished wouldn't corrupt him. There's a YouTube video of a little girl in a toy store lamenting the binary state of toy design.

What about accessorizing? Barrettes / scrunchies, bracelets, belts, shoes, etc.

Or nail treatments? Other than the Goth kids at Hot Topic, how many guys have painted nails?

Then there's body care, like lotions, scents and scrubs.

And that's just the "fashion" category. What about things like sewing (guilty), reading fantasy/romance novels (really guilty) and dancing (sort of guilty)? Yes, I LOVED Twilight. I love Merry Gentry (but LKH seems to want to write more Anita, lol). I really want to make things for Bells and I want to finally do my cosplay. I've line-danced (one of the few makes AND one of the youngest too at our Y), do DDR quite well and am getting into Just Dance on the Wii.

Why can't these just be fun and rewarding activities? Why do I have to worry about sharing these things with most people? Do I have to worry?

My problem is that I want to pick some things from Column A and a few from B. But I doubt the level of acceptance amongst my extended family and coworkers would be high enough to make the gamble.

It's really frustrating. Especially since my orientation isn't at stake here - Ape can vouch for that. This is about personal identity and nothing more. And I'm not asking the world to completely forget centuries of history, family tradition and expectations.

What I *am* asking for is an explanation of why certain things (that you may have already thought of yourselves above) are acceptable for both genders. Yes, I'm going to bring up the double-standard of male items borrowed by the ladies. I'm not going to go through an exhaustive list, but there are certainly enough things that used to be really male that can be used by both sexes without consequence. Maybe not in everyday public situations but certainly in more personal settings, among peers. These appropriations don't raise eyebrows but if a guy tried the reverse appropriation there would likely be static.

And that stinks.

I've known I wasn't like everyone else since maybe age 7? 8? I grew up thinking the world was a certain, idealistic way only to have reality knock the rose-tinted glasses from my face. I desperately *want* the world a certain way but I'm realizing it just won't be that way anytime soon.

And that makes me a sad Mithra.

The other day, I saw a great cosplay and realized that no matter hard I tried I would never be able to succeed as well as that player. And I also realized that until the world learns to separate biological identity from gender identity and move beyond binary systems, I'm fighting a losing battle. I could dig in my heels and press on. I might even win a few rounds. But I suspect I'd ultimately lose by winning such a Pyrrhic victory.

The winds of change are blowing. I can see it for myself. But how long will it take for society's attitudes to tack in a more open direction?

The New Reality of Fantasy

This may come as a shock for some of you, but I'm just over 40 years old. Yes, old Mithra is old. And yes, my WiFi really is named "GetOffMyLawn" ^^ I grew up juuuust after the Sixties' wild ride and most of the Seventies' exuberance as well. But well before the dawn of the consumer side of the Information Age.

When I played, it was make believe with toys (Lego and other building toys, various action figures, some My Little Pony thrown in and a few handheld electronic games). When I played with friends, playtime often involved role-play (usually inspired by whatever hit movie we'd all just seen) but again, personal imagination was key, and most everything was all in our heads.

Gaming systems like the Atari VCS "electronified" everything, but it wasn't until a few generations later that home gaming got sophisticated enough to pull off game-based make-believe in the form of RPGs and adventure titles. What I mean is it took a bit for games to allow deeper individual expression inside the game world. Eventually, on PC and on video game consoles, the rise of the Internet would finally enable large numbers of people to connect to these worlds.

My introduction to MMOs proper was on January 1, 2007 with a little game called Final Fantasy XI. I'd owned PCs before this but I never tried computer-based MMOs because at the time, I was elbows-deep into flight, racing and space simulations. As it happens, these afforded low levels of individuality and did not offer a multiplayer component to speak of.

So, months into FFXI something happened - I began to play make-believe as I used to, inhabiting my character (basically a magical cat-girl who focused on healing) and building up an online identity reflected in the interactions of dozens of other players. These players often had their own online identities, and some of us played online regularly enough to extend conversations beyond game strategies.

Fast-forward six years. After a massive misstep, and a LOT of soul searching, I think I've found some answers. "But what are the questions, Aerin?" I'm getting to that. Patience, dear Reader!

Many of you know Ape and I have two sons (Elder and Younger) and a very recent addition to our clan whom I refer to as Creature, or Bells, here. Elder is knocking on 16 (*remembertobreathe*) and unlike me, he pretty much grew up in the always-on Net-connected world. His development wasn't really atypical during his pre-teen years - lots of toys, some friends, etc. But once he got to middle school and *really* began to socialize everything changed.

He took up an MMO called Roblox at 13 or so, and from there, quickly migrated to IMVU, Google Talk, and Facebook. As well as an iPod and a phone for IMing. And here's what I'm finding interesting. Through no known influence from me or any other adults, he's crafted an online identity which includes activities like sexting (well, text make-outs and such) and anthro/furry style RP.

On the one hand, it's interesting to see where he's taking some of these ideas. On the other, I've had to remind him on more than one occasion that he needs to watch his behaviour as we don't approve of certain interactions and he also needs to watch how emotionally invested he allows himself to become.

And yes, I suspect a few of you are screaming "Hypocrite!" at your screens as I solidly roleplay a fantasy character. True, but aside from an interest in counseling which he did pick up from me, I have to believe the other behaviours are peer-learned.

OK, so we're closing in on my thesis. What I would pay money to see is a study which takes the following factors into account and synthesizes some conclusion regarding the development of imaginations, identity and self-image based on play and social interactions.

* Given that for decades, we as a society have enabled our children to:
  a) use their imaginations
  b) be whatever they want to be
  c) express themselves

* Has the rise of virtual worlds featuring:
  a) highly-interactive environments centered on a personal avatar
  b) multiple options for customisation and personal expression
  c) while interacting with other people, often multiple in number and varied in physical location
  d) enboldened by a general air of anonymous free speech

* Affected the way they develop:
  a) Personal identity (esteem as well as gender)
  b) Social boundaries
  c) Expectations of friendship
  d) Acceptance of outside ideas and cultures

The upshot? I'm curious if the socially-recent "no personal limits" philosophy of growth combined with virtual world-building that truly enables that behavior has changed the way kids grow up.

Personal (and relevant) story time: When I was 5 or 6, I sometimes played with my older sister's toys. Being a boy, but in a family of very open parents, this wasn't frowned upon. For whatever reason, I wound up using both genders during imagination-time alone or with friends. And until I got to maybe first or second grade, my parents didn't interfere. Eventually, with the wisdom experience and worldliness brings, they gently guided me away from cross-gender play.

Some thirty years passed and then I signed up for FFXI, and it began again, rather unintentionally. Eventually, Aerin would represent an /identity/ ,not just an alias. And I think it has to do with the freedom to express oneself so easily and completely in virtual spaces.

What I see in Elder's virtual interactions makes me think he has a different perspective on people and relationships. I've no cause yet to think it'll lead anywhere unhealthy. in fact, as I mentioned, he's quite the healer, taking after me. And he's developed a sense of human rights and equality as well. I think I'm going to ask him how far it goes with him, the role play. Curious if he's truly developed a fursona or just having fun with fans of a certain "intelligent animal" fiction series.

I've got more I want to cover but I'm falling asleep... Might want to change the parameters a bit to consider both the "no limits" parenting and virtual worlds as two different enablers for self-definition. Either or both can be at work; they aren't mutually-exclusive.

Until next time!