Dark Days

February 14 – 17, 2008

In Vana’diel, things have been grinding forward slowly. I got within 4.2k of level 64 on a couple of parties including one led by Fhox. I didn’t get anywhere with AF hands or body. I struggled all night last night to help Marlborokid with his party and wound up leading against my will. Finally got 6 people together (with me on BLM31) and fought Smithies in Yuhtunga for an hour and then died.

I even got yelled at by Reconusmc for blocking the Kazham gate causing him to die while trying to zone hate. I had just raised his party-mate Rebelmc and it took me a bit to figure out I was dealing with two different people. I moved and begged forgiveness. I was successful in resisting my urge to tell him to sod off and that he should have been more careful since I tried to help his mate survive, and not getting there in time, Raise II’ed him.

Fhox and Chucho are trying to help me learn the ways of a proper BLM and I’m fixing up my macros too. Chucho commented on my crossness and I had to admit today wasn’t a good day and BLM wasn’t helping.

But today isn’t about Aerin.

I really need to get this job thing sorted. It’s starting to affect my relationship with Ape. I’m getting very down and have been less patient with her than I should be. She has her own crap to deal with (Matt, schools, work, online classes, bills, shoulder, etc.). And I refuse to let this stupid job get in the way of 17 years of happiness.

I’m not getting anywhere on the traditional job front. Last night I started an Excel sheet of links for the major aggregators (Monster, et. al.), consultancies and stand-alone companies. I found a couple of consulting gigs I could ace easily but neither leads to a permanent position. I also found one permanent job with a tiny company involved in debt collection software.

I’m so miserable professionally that I am seriously considering the consulting thing again. I don’t know what that will mean in terms of benefits or insurance, but I’m not seeing too many choices. I’m also thinking about an overall career change but I haven’t figured out anything I’m good at that I can get employed in that would make enough to be worth it.

April thinks I’m a happy-go-lucky Pollyanna but that isn’t true. IMHO, she over-stresses about things she can’t control. She also takes a lot personally. I believe that because I don’t match her stress level that she feels I’m not taking things seriously. That was the gist of last night’s fight.

However, I take my family very seriously. I take my failures as a main provider seriously and hate the fact I haven’t been able to deliver on the promises of my excellent education or abilities. The fact that we haven’t made any serious inroads to a better life pisses me off to no end, but this latest job search just seems to confirm my fears. I’m past the point of no return – that is, I can’t start all over because the payoff would be too small. Ultimately of course, a major change could work but we wouldn’t last long enough to see that come to fruition.

I don’t understand how I can be so good at what I do but not be able to find someone who wants me to do what I’m good at. I know I probably could put more energy into the job search but working full time cuts down on resume canvassing opportunities during normal hours.

I desperately want to live a life where I work hard doing something rewarding while we live in a safe neighborhood and the kids get a good, safe education. And maybe where we have a decent prospect of retiring while we’re still alive.

I just don’t know how to make that happen. Every day I sit here wasting my life 9 hours at a time makes me want to scream and cry. This current situation is so pointless it’s sad and pathetic all at the same time.

People who work hard and do their best to be good parents and citizens shouldn’t be in this position. I believe in my heart there’s a place for me, but being able to find it, or sell myself to the right person at the right time is the challenge.

To make matters worse, I have to worry about the rest of the fam too: My dad’s job sucks but might be improving. Kevin’s sucked but his boss came around (for now). Ape isn’t happy with her prospects at St. Paul’s. Mimi and Gordon are post-retirement (essentially) but need more care than they can afford. Mike seems to be tolerating his job but prolly wouldn’t mind something better.

The big issue here is Mimi – where she’ll live and how she’ll afford it. It doesn’t help that she’s a mess credit-wise. Her staying with Cari and Kevin seems to be a strain already. At least she’ll be close at hand if we need to take her anywhere.

I know I don’t normally use this forum to bitch about personal problems but lately things have been getting very heavy and it’s better to get it out on paper where it’s easier to analyze and strategize. Hopefully tonight’s adventures in Vana’diel will be much more productive and I can write about that instead ^^