After The Dream Ends...

...there is often another...

Hello all. I think I have a problem. I've noticed in the past several weeks that I feel less "Aerinny" than before. I know part of it is that I'm not expressing my personality as a goofy WHM Mithra. But a lot of it is the loss of having a use for my gifts.

OK, that's a little over the top. But, honestly, I haven't found another outlet for my gifts and I think lack of "spiritual exercise" is affecting me negatively. I'm grumpier than usual and have less patience. Some of that may be due to lack of sleep caused by a pregna-momma sleeping fitfully next to me ^^

While playing Portal and Fallout 3 recently (don't laugh - I have a four-year backlog of PS3 and PSP classics) I have tried to follow the path of light. In Portal, that pretty much meant not killing a single turret. I took great pains to evade and avoid them using cubes to block them or in many cases, jumping behind or beside them with careful portal placement. Once there I could safely turn them around (despite their cute protests) and walk away safely.

Overall, not a very good WHM outlet.

Fallout 3 is better, in that it has a very clear karma system with costs and benefits of playing well with others or laying waste to anything in your path. Up until the Garden of Eden mission, I had not killed a single human. I achieved this by tanking escort missions and disarming enemies when possible. A3-21's Plasma Rifle with a few VATS perks makes that pretty easy. Also, there was much running like mad and eating lots of found food.

Oh, I'm also on a med-and stim free run. 3 meds (2 by accident) and 12 stims only.

So, Garden of Eden. Of course, I rescue Fawkes. And since anything that aggroes me sets *him* off, he winds up doing a lot of killing. I'd rather he didn't but in only two cases did I actually instigate a Super Mutant Gatling Laser Roast-a-Thon. Both times involved slavers. RIP Eulogy Jones... I'm on the final mission and only have like 3 side-quests left so I think I did OK.

My kids still don't get why I'm trying to avoid killing, even in self defence. At this point I have a few groups out to kill me on sight: Raiders, Talon Company, and the Enclave. If they'd just ignore me, I'd turn Fawkes to melee and keep him close. But they don't and, conflicted as he is, he seems to really like mowing down smoothskins.

But even with all that (and yes, the Clones have called me out on my Fawkesian hypocrisy), I *still* don't feel right.

And GT5? There's not much use for a WHM there.

So, what to do? I've thought long and hard about TWLOHA's ImAlive project. If I thought I could do that without drowning in the pain of others, or becoming overly concerned about individuals, I'd do it. But it's a big commitment and Kat's due in 6 short weeks ^^ If I do go for it, I'll let you all know.

Oh, almost forgot - I must announce that I'm extremely proud of Elder. He has taken up my calling in his MMO of choice. Seriously! He spends about as much time talking and listening as he does questing. I've given him some gentle advice but otherwise I want to see where it goes. After going through his pre-teen and early teen years wondering if he cared about anything outside of himself, I'm so happy to see what he's been up to in there!

Also, now that I have a paycheck again, I'm thinking about grabbing that sewing machine and seeing what I can come up with in a month and a half. Ape got many wonderful and adorable outfits at Kat's shower and I think there's some I could ape (ha!) pretty closely with time and practice.

And I *still* want to cosplay this September. I saw some screenshots from one of the recent XI updates of new gear that looked A LOT like my plans for my Druid ensemble. Weir-r-rd.

With all my hopes and dreams,

Aerin