A Taste Of Things To Come?

(That which does not kill me...)

The 25th to 27th was the weekend I got to experience two /wonderful/ things:

* My own little taste of Hell, and
* What my Soul Bridge feels like in action.

This weekend was by *far* the hardest thing I've faced in nearly 18 years with Ape. I'm not going to go into much detail, but let's just say Ape had a reason to cry herself to sleep Friday night. And then I spent Saturday morning crying and hurting for what I'd done. Sunday was recovery and anxiety for both of us.

I'm going to explain something about myself, and it may not make a lot of sense at first. But if you bear with, I think it will actually prove quite illuminating. My dear readers will learn something important about me, and they may learn soething about my allure as well.

Those of you who have put up with me these nearly three years know I claim to be an empath. To be fair, I've never boasted of Betazed-level abilities, but I definitely believe I feel the emotions of others. I honestly believe it is a God-given gift and the reason I'm an emotional healer in both worlds.

Paired with my listening skills and genuine concern for all, this makes me well-suited to minister to those around me. But this gift comes with a twin-gift (don't they always?) that is both blessing and curse.

I only recently found a good name for it: The Well of Sorrows. See, I don't just believe I feel others' emotions. I believe I absorb them somewhat. Said another way, if you're hurting, and I know it, I hurt too. But to make it possible for me to help, I have to be able to bear the hurt and provide the comfort you need.

The Well of Sorrows is where all this emotional pain goes. I've had it since my teenaged days. When I was on the brink of suicide, I made a choice to stop caring about what others thought of me. You know what they say about how God answers prayers? Yeah, I think the upshot was I got to escape my own depression in exchange for the calling to help others with whatever pain they held inside.

And don't get me wrong - it works on pretty much any form of "negative spiritual energy" - stress, anxiety, self-doubt, hate, the works. And as near as I know, it's pretty bottomless.

As much as it can be a burden to carry within my heart, I don't think I'd give it up. It's what allowed me to stand and provide much-needed strength to my father and sister when my mom had her cancer surgery those years ago.

Or when cousin Jordan was born with heart problems, suffered for three months and was killed in a medical mistake as he was recovering from his surgery. The pain shared by my SIL, her husband, Ape and the network of relatives was unbelieveable. I've never been a big fan of Death and having to attend the funeral of a three-month-old who was his parents' first child was a pain I never want to feel again. But before I could release mine, privately, leaning over Jordan's plot, I took as much of theirs as I could stand.

So, now you know what motivates me in both worlds to heal - to listen - to calm. But wait, the man says, there's MORE!

I have said countless times before that I would die to protect Ape. I've meant it too. One day, I was bored and anxious. I thought up a job ability I called "Soul Bridge". It's a one-time use ability that must be activated on a target before its effect will proc. Of course, I'd use it on Ape. Also, once activated, it can't be cancelled or reused. So, holding it in reserve because you don't know who to use it on won't work in a crisis - it has a LOOONG activation timer. This is something you have to KNOW.

OK, so once activated on a target, it lies dormant until conditions trigger it. Basically, it's a form of Phalanx wherein Soul Bridge absorbs a random amount of critical damage (25%~75%). Sounds pretty ordinary. Well, here's the clincher. It deals the mitigated damage back to its caller via the soul-bridge joining them, and the damage is dealt at least 2x. And since it only fires on criticals, expect that it only works on damage that in the real world (where I'd want to use it!) would be life-threatening.

You can see how such an ability could *possibly* save the one at the expenese of the other. And this is something I've prayed for, I love Ape that much. I have no idea how God will respond to this one, but given what He gave me 22 years ago, if He does choose to answer me I'm sure it'll be... interesting.

So, if you're still with me, I'll reset the first paragraph in our new context. Ape cried herself to sleep Friday. I knew it, and felt it. But to make matters worse, I knew what *caused* it, and it was heavy damage all around. So not only am I trying to fill the Well of Sorrows enough to help her, I'm taking Soul Bridge damage too. And here's were it gets hard - *I* was the cause of her pain, so I wound up creating a feedback loop...

Saturday morning was a painful blur as I tried my best to sort things out. I cried hard for I don't know how long. Mind you, I was driving at the time, headed who knows where. I wound up at a mall and I must have been a sight. I thought maybe I could leech off others' more-positive emotions but it didn't really work out. I came home and Ape and I spent a day and a half looking nervously at each other. I think I'd rather be dead than see that look in her eyes ever again.

Movie Night?!

I only had a few minutes with K and D before the fam confiscated the PS3 to watch Wolverine.

So we chatted and I apologised for putting her on the spot about not replying to notes and emails. Her answer was succinct and logical - she doesn't want what feels like a one-sided conversation, bereft of reaction and interplay. Fair enough.

Then she apologised to me, catching me off-guard. I asked what for, because I couldn't think of anything needing one. She explained that she reads my blog (which I knew) and the Qufim incident is what she was referencing.

I told her no worries, that she had already apologised for it and that I should have been more understanding about the recent events happening in her life.

To be honest, I was touched by her concern. I did have to tease her about not talking much which she seemed to disagree with.

I think the issue isn't that she's silent, it's that I haven't learned very much about her, and I want to know more. I've probably shared far too much too soon and errantly expected her to match. I'm learning patience, I promise!

-----

Earlier in the day, I went to both Barnes & Noble and our library looking for K's recommendations, plus some books I found on the "Smart Bitches, Trashy Books" blog. I had far better luck at the bookstore, but with no budget right now...

Remind me to get rich before I die, so that when I pass, I can bestow an endowment on the library so they can BUY SOME BOOKS! I used to work there (two years!) and if I didn't say it before, it was my fave job of all.

And back then, there were far more fantasy and sci-fi tomes. Largely the reason I loved it - I used to go through books like the Google Book Search engine!

Movie-wise, we stayed up past the Clones' bedtime to finish X-Men origins: Wolverine and I have to say, it was pretty good. Being so focused on one character it wasn't quite what I expected out of an X-Men movie. But as an origin story it was good. And even a touch romantic at the end. 3 crystals.

Book Club

Logged in latish (again) and Kushi was on. I wasn't sure what my plans were going to be but I was in Windy-of-the-Past and just shy of a third Merit Point...

She alerted me to Besieged and I went. It didn't go too well, she outscoring me by a fair bit. I got charmed, I died, she died, I died, we both died lol. I also got enough LP for that merit. Now to decide where to put the points...

After we had a great conversation about a few things, mainly books. She offered some recommendations, two by Laurell Hamilton. NightSeer and the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series.

You see, I finished Phèdre's trilogy. Great finish, awesome romance, fitting end. And a surprising amount of religious alternate-history too. I hope to find similar romances in fantasy (or sci-fi) settings soon!

We chatted about some other stuff and I left late, but happy ^^

(I didn't forget chatting ever so briefly with the others, but with trying to keep Kushi healthy during Besieged...)

Also, I bowed out Tuesday, needing sleep. But dance class was great, with Ape hanging in for the whole thing and me almost learning another great dance.

No-Sleep Sunday

I logged in pretty late and got to have a very interesting chat with both Deej and Kep. Wish Kushi was back so we could complete the set... Anyway, the three of us talked about all sorts of stuff: Reading, "Meatballs", Rule 34, dreaming, and Kep's awesome net radio tastes. Split Infinity FTW!

While messing around, I saw a shout from Raislyn for AU22 help - the very mission I was on! I asked if they needed a WHM and they did. Startup took some time as Eclipse had apparently DCed and the rest were also seeking a 6th. But eventually we had a full roster and made our way into Halvung. Which sucked - we had to hop telepads in the Nyzul staging point, then avoid True Sight Wamouras in Mount Zhayolm... Thankfully no one died en route.

The fight involves a Khimera (think alchemy) that looks suspiciously like the Nemean Lion. Karababa will fight using Ancient magic if you set things up. One strat is to pull (possibly sac-pulling) and wait for Kara to engage. Then heal her and do nothing to steal hate.

We didn't do that! Eclipse tanked the heck out of it - Kara barely ever pulled hate. There was some red HP, including an unannounced Convert by Raistlyn - >< But his Refresh worked very well after I subbed and was too distracted to reset it.

After the fight we split up there and I made my way to Windy-In-The-Past. That's where I said my good-nights, considerably past my bedtime. Although there was some discussion about Kepi being in PST getting to stick around much longer than I ^^ And also, she made an astronomy joke which I responded to: AUs were involved lol.

Book update: Page 517. They patched things up. Loudly! /blush

Saturday Outline

* Having reached 16 on all jobs, I spent 90 minutes muling and selling unneeded gear, plus farming a couple items to complete stacks on Jesup.
* Most of GD was on in the AM after the late mitt run.
* After a break logged back in to sell more stuff.
* Before leaving for "Meatballs" I was waiting for one of the boys to come out of the house with drinks, and something whizzed by me and hit the house. Thought it was the other kids messing with me but no, it was a bird. It was hurt and Ape took it inside while we tried to find a box or cage for it. It died in her hands :(
* "Meatballs" was much better than I expected - 3.5 crystals. Funnier and sweeter than I thought. There's something about naive nerdy love...
* In Vana, had a long chat with Kepi waiting for an invite. Which actually came.
* Kep was glad to see another in Milk concerned it was foundering. I said I was staying as long as they'd have me and she said I'd be there awhile ^^
* Three-hour Imp party with a few deaths, some brought on by puller's errant links/aggro...
* Chatted throughout with Zechsmarquise on WHM and other things. He was trying to give advice on WHM, not knowing I was 75 already. Seemed to like me ^^
* Logged out with 2 merits and got close to a third, and even a 15-minute Besieged to end the night!
* As for the book, Phèdre and Joscelin's relationship trouble is growing as a result of Phèdre's treatment in Drustan. It's bringing me dow~w~wn...

Now We're Cookin'!

(Fun, but my mistake and some bad luck...)

I logged in where I logged off - on a tele-pad. I was still in Milk and was thrilled to see DJ and Kepi. Kep had already made it to AU and unlocked BLU! Wow!

I jumped down and headed to the manual to repatriate. And Derf ran up! So I said "Hi" and jumped to GD for a bit. Wellll, it was good timing - Arch was setting up a Carby Mitt run. Arch, Dove, Puma, Dread and Derf were already set and I joined after the FoV warp and Explorer moogle shunt to Basty. But first Ben asked a favor - a Tele-Dem. Arch said OK and so I disbanded the Mitt party, grabbed Ben, changed subs and took him quickly. I was able to return in a matter of minutes and we were off.

The first run went pretty well. Although, even with Puma clearing tonberry hate, he and Dread were getting hit pretty badly. But Derf got his mitts without any serious danger. Then Arch commented on wanting his and basically we all said we'd just do it now. One catch - there's some kind of offering you need to pop the NM 'berry. So Puma, Derf Arch and I split off and made our wending way to another section of the temple. We had to Tele-Yhoat, make our way to the Den of Rancor and through a side tunnel, access a section of the tunnel containing a hidden set of rooms.

This is where I made my first boo-boo. Thinking I was following Derf to the rooms containing the pops for the offering. Instead of following, I wound up in a different hall and fell down a one-way ledge. Then the other three got into a royal rumble but pulled through valiantly. Then, long after I could have been helpful, I found a way to them. At least nobody needed to deathwarp or anything!

It was about this time that Dread intentionally fought and lost HP, finishing mobs in the red or orange. He explained this after I started getting uneasy. There was a short chat about my WHM proclivities, then Derf announced I was freaked because I was Siren's Healing Touch ^^ Aww!

So anyway, after nearly an hour's delay, we made our way back to the others. Back in the temple proper, and about halfway there, we ran into trouble and wiped. Just as Dread arrived to finish off the last mob that had finished poor Arch. I had reraised just as he fell and thought I was about to die again but Dread's good timing saved my fuzzy butt.

After getting patched up, we returned to the NM room, re-cleared and beat down the NM. I can't remember, but I think we lost someone (Puma?) during the fight but Arch got his oven mitts too. Then it was tele time and home.

I switched back to Milk and both Deej and Kepi were *still* on. Kep left soon after, amid some confusion over who was leaving lol. We chatted some and I headed out to finish off MNK's 16. I ended the night with all jobs at 16 or higher. Gear-dumping would have to wait though, it was time to read a bit then bedtime.

Serious Content Warning

(Brace yourselves...)

I read further into Kushiel's Avatar at lunch today. I've reached the part where Phèdre concocts a /brilliant/ plan to have her consort and lover Joscelin offer themselves into service to the Mahrkagir of Drustan. In league with the priesthood known of the Eaters-of-the-Dead and a man known to have dark, violent tastes.

Sensing what was likely coming, I was hesitant to read further. I've only been hesitant to *read* further into a book once that I recall. Stephen King's "The Dark Half". Some 10 years ago. Well, gentle friends, I was hesitant then. And I was again, now. I didn't want to read about the expected raping of Phèdre at the despot's hands.

I do not like thinking about that. At all. I have many I care greatly for, and, like Joscelin, I do not know how far I would go if they suffered like that. I pray never to find out.

I also offer prayer that none of you will either, and if by chance any of you already have, I offer prayers of peace and healing.

-----------------------------------

Update ^^ After I got home, the fam packed up and we went to dinner then Barnes & Noble. I took my copy of Avatar with me and read. I didn't want to read what I expected to read alone :3

We were there for over an hour and once again, I find Phèdre is stronger than I could have imagined. God blessed and cursed and a tortured soul is she. But amazingly strong, and Joscelin bearing it right along with her. I love the two of them together! /smile

Fighting Sleep

(yaaawn...)

I had announced plans to log in early-ish, but you know what they say about plans... I didn't get on until close to 10. And I was verrry tired. I missed Kushi by seconds and chatted briefly with Deej as Besieged was getting ready to begin. I tried tempting him out there but both of us agreed it wasn't likely to be practical.

The Besieged itself went well enough although I was having a harder time with skillups this night. I died a few times, which I loled about with Stoik, who jumped on mid-battle. I didn't get much casting in, and I was having a hard time sticking much-needed cures because of horrid lag. I still managed to get 1,890 LP!

As I was chatting some more with Deej and others, Kepi logged on, saying she needed the rarab item. I thought she was in Windy and was going to OP out to Buburimu to help, but she beat me to the punch, getting the item with one try. But then she said she still needed the Bloody Robe. *That* I could do - and thankfully, a tele, short run, longer run, and one Bogy later, she had her sixth and final item for her Aht Urghan ferry pass.

Now it was time to sleep!

Short and Sweet

(Even so, too short!)

I didn't have a lot of time tonight, having promised Ape some America's Got Talent and Jay Leno time. When I awoke still in La Theine from the previous evening's duo, I finished off the remaining XP for DRG's 16. I repatriated, switched to SAM15 and grabbed almost 3k more xp for another ding.

I also tried out SAM's 2-hour, which was kinda handy against the final dhalmel I faced. I repat-ted again and geared up MNK, my final sub-16. Turns out I only need about 400xp to get that one to 16 as well, and free myself of this Brass crap.

Deej came on during my leveling and soon got an invite into a sync 29 and asked me along. I had to beg off, even though my NIN needs xp lovin'. Kepi didn't make it on before I left at 9:45 and I asked Deej to pass my greeting along.

Side note 1: Keep your wifey away from your blog, if you have one (blog or wife ^^). Mine decided to add a few lines to this post, which I caught quickly. Something about a one-player game... /sigh and /giggles

Side Note 2: Book 3 opens with a lot of sweetness between Phèdre and Joscelin - Ahhhh...!

DJ Duo

(Sometimes it's the simple things...)

I managed to log in at about 9 with plans to be on maybe 45 minutes - just to say "hi". In Milk, I found a new person, Uyoo, a WAR09 with no sub. I introduced myself, and then found out that it was Deej on his mule ^^

He was making the run from La Theine back to Sandy and I offered to help if he needed it. Really I just wanted to hang out, after the rough night I had Sunday. I teled out there and rode on birdback to intercept him.

Sort of - I made it to the castle without seeing him and in fact, on checking again, saw he'd actually dinged. He apparently lost a level recently and was trying to fix it before going back to Deej. After some hemming and hawing, we settled on duoing on Uyoo and with me on DRG/WHM.

Before heading out, Deej ran inside to do some shopping. I opted to stay out and solo, actually getting close to 1,400xp in the half-hour or so. I got mildly fussed at by Titta who was farming low BLU spells and I was grinding up her mobs rapidly. I parked for awhile to do chores and resumed some time later.

When Deej reappeared we made our way to La Theine and picked the birds page. They were pretty rough and Deej got flattened on a link. Somehow I made it, and the link never aggroed me. He was going to pack it in and we chatted briefly. I was glad for it because we settled an outstanding issue ^^ Thank you again Deej!

Despite being past my time, I wanted to press on - we weren't too far from finishing the page. While resting, I took on some bunnies and then Deej returned and we got the needed mobs. I wound up about 4,600xp up on the night and Deej got 12 (I think).

Early on, I commented that Uyoo's Mithran silvery-lavendery hair would prolly look good in my style. That earned me an XD from Deej. Then Deej said Kushiel wasn't going to be on for a bit, disgusted over the claim-jumping that denied her a jelly ring. I hope she comes back soon though...

In book news, I'm about 10% into book 3 and it's ever so interesting!

"It's about time."

Yaaaay! They finally got their crap together and *got* together! I read the last 100-odd pages of book 2 elated, but fearful Ms. Carey was gonna pull a fast one and make poor Phèdre suffer some more. Thankfully, at least with Joscelin, she didn't, and the last line of the book summed it up perfectly.

Now I have to go to the bookstore again at lunchtime to buy book 3... And I suspect after finishing it, I'll feel compelled to read the second trilogy after all. At the conclusion of #2, it seems Melisande has another hand to play and Imriel is the heart of it. I can only wonder what that wench will put our heroes through in the third one.

As for Vana-time, there wasn't any last night. I had to report in to work in the evening for an install (after working a normal day-shift) and I didn't get home until midnight. I went straight to bed.

Assuming today runs normally, I'll be on after dance class. See you then?

Weekend Update Number ???

Friday: Dropped the Clones off with my folks then headed out to eat. Surprisingly, Ape picked Cheesecake Factory of all places. No sleight against them; she normally doesn't choose more-expensive eateries. In any case, we met friends there and had a nice time of it, even as our choices turned out kinda "meh".

Left after 10:30 to try a movie and 500 Days of Summer wasn't playing. So we chose Extract. Ape had been dying (ha!) to see Final Destination and I offered to see it with her, despite my weak constitution in such experiences. But she picked Extract for me. I really wish we'd seen FD!

Came home close to midnight and together we watched about an hour of 9/11 coverage. Never Forget! I still remember vividly how I learned of it, then - It was raining lightly but there were DOZENS of wrecks and pulled-over cars. Not sure what I was listening to on the radio but it was some time after the initial reports that I realized what was going on. And then the parked cars made sense...

Also, funny to see in the replayed coverage so many sentiments of "they won't collapse" because I said the same thing to Ape on the phone. Imagine my horror as I watched live. I had been atop the second tower just years before they were destroyed... Did I ever tell you I touched the Pentagon flag while visiting the Smithsonian some years back? I did - I meant no disrespect but for some reason really wanted to connect with the memories and offer what solace I could...

On logging in I tried flagging up and sent Kush a tell. I committed to wait for an invite for no more than 30 minutes because I wanted sleep. Somewhere during my wait she replies that she's not up to a conversation. I replied that I understood and that if circumstances changed I'd be on for maybe 90 more minutes.

I passed my time reading, then she came back on. Her mood was the result of a friend claim-jumping her on an NM she'd been camping 4+ hours. After some consolation we actually had a nice chat, then I went to bed, party-less.

Saturday was an even later login and I caught Kush just as she was leaving - bad headache. Again I had no takers for my WHM services but I did get more than halfway through book 2 while I waited.

I also ran into Mireli in the Dunes. He and a friend were duoing and had taken a Gob beating. I offered PL help for 30 minutes or so and we had a nice chat besides.

Also also, Damu said GD will remain open for business. I can only assume this means a change in leadership but I'm glad that at the moment I don't have to worry about it ^^

Up early Sunday because for some reason I just don't sleep anymore. Sure, I can "fall" asleep effortlessly and worry-free any night now. But I wake up at odd hours for no apparent reason, then drift right back under. It's really annoying...

So, I grab breakfast for the crew and then stayed out in the living room to let Ape sleep. I read for the better part of 90 minutes then we began our day. I was able to run a short Campaign battle before we left for the movies, and logged in again at about 10.

Finally, Deej was on! I owed him a little help anyway. But Kushi was on too and was in Besieged! Dang it - I hastened to Al Zahbi and made it in time to cast three times. Feh! I did get 450 LP for my troubles lol!

Free of battle, I tried chatting with Kushi-chan but she's still not feeling well. Despite a POL mail earlier and offers of a temple-rub, I got little out of her and 'ere I could decide to leave her be, she ran off. So I hooked up with Deej in Jeuno, headed to Qufin.

Oddly, K expressed surprise at our duo in shell, and was soon with us intent on partying with Deej as I PLed both. But a little misunderstanding with Kanataru led to a 10-minute distraction and some harsh words between Kana and Kushi... Short version: Deej's bazaar comment says something like {Level sync}{party}{Yes, please.}. Kana saw it and then a WHM75 and RDM67 apparently dual-PLing one Deej, on PUP21.

Kana threw out a comment about why Deej needed that much help and Kush took exception. When Deej asked what was going on in shell, I replied privately, not realizing that Kushi had started sparring with Kana. I separately explained to Kana that we hadn't expected K's arrival and that we were sorting it out.

Whatever was said between the two Ks must've been nasty because there were GM call and /blist threats thrown. I wished I'd explained in shell rather than tell so that maybe Kushi wouldn't have gotten so upset. But she was, and I swear she was taking some of it out on me. I won't go into it here but the two of us had our own exchange.

I'm just going to chalk it up to her migraine and stand by her as her friend. In any event, Deej and I had a nice time of it and he completed a FoV page and dinged.

Final Fantasy of Manners

Brace yourselves friends... This is going to be an odd one. I've been doing a lot of thinking and thusly, I am glad to present to you... (drumroll please)... Aerin Unfiltered!

Those of you who've known me for any length of time have probably noted my general polite demeanor. I say "please" and "thank you" almost to a fault. I pay my respects to party leaders, PLs, unexpected saviours, and friends through bows and kneels. I celebrate level dings. And so on...

A few people have teased me for it and one demanded I stop with the bowing and scraping because she thought it made me look trampy. But, aside from being how I was raised, it's just part of my RP enjoyment.

So, imagine my surprise to earn there's a subgenre of fantasy fiction called "fantasy of manners". I only know this because Kushiel's Legacy is considered to be in this genre (the fact uncovered as I was researching the trilogy) and now that I have a name for it I can explain the strong appeal the life of a Night Court adept risen to nobility has to me.

I daresay I'd actually be at home in such a world. IRL I've done my best to remember my station, especially when I worked in healthcare. Patients, physicians and allied health professionals I considered above me. Then my peers and then the occasional junior staffer below. But I strived never to look down my nose at anyone, and I hope it showed.

Once I finish the first Kushiel trilogy I'll consider the Imriel saga. But I think I'll miss Phèdre. She's been fun to watch and examining her choices and methods has been quite enjoyable. I despair I won't find another book or series with such a compellingly-written protagonist or setting. Not to mention the deft handling of place and event descriptions!

Actually, the more I read (and fret!) over Phèdre and Joscelin, the more I want to read or watch other strong romances. Not necessarily in FoM tales, mind. All I care about is the relationship and chemistry. I haven't found any manga that clearly fits but in the anime department I'm looking at Someday Dreamers. Anyone still with me have any advice? I don't know if what I'm looking for is considered shoujo, but I do know I'm not after yaoi yet. Pure fanservice yuri is out too... I'm honestly looking for relationships and romance!

Changing gears *completely*, something funny happened yesterday, and it ties bizarrely with the FoM business above. I was raised Catholic but left the Church for reasons that are my own. Note I didn't say I left my faith! Anyway, as Ape is a Catholic school teacher and must attend mass somewhere to keep her job (huh?) she's been going pretty regularly.

As we were all out already, returning from "9" (review to follow), we just went as a family, and actually met Ape's sis with her whole fam, plus mom. The church we went to had a "contemporary" service. Now, don't get me wrong - I've attended various Baptist, AoG, Pentecostal... But to have a Catholic mass go that way really threw me.

I never expected to say this ever, but, if I'm going to go to mass, it needs to be a traditional one! I hope that doesn't sound like so much hypocrisy, as nobody is more surprised by my reaction than I am!

In any case, I told Ape I'd rather we attended Saturday or earlier Sunday to get away from the contemporary format.

Movie review time: Friday night we saw "Extract" and Sunday we went to "9". First "Extract". I think they called it that because it extracted 10 bucks from my wallet and nearly two hours of my life.

If I ever find the nutter who wrote the "Funnier than Office Space" ad copy, I'd ask to see the version of OS he was comparing with. He *had* to have been watching a foreign-language cam-rip or something to think Extract was anywhere nearly-well written comedically. Ben Affleck was great in his supporing role but that was about it...

The trailers for"9" had me hooked on the visuals, post-apocalyptic setting and the teaser music. It mostly delivered (except musically) but the story was far too linear and predictable. While there was action, I got the sense it was really trying to make a point about the strength of humanity and the preciousness of the spirit. OK, I get it - I had no quarrel with the core idea. But the paint-by-numbers execution left me wanting.

"Extract" gets 1 crystal and "9" takes home 2.5, largely on the strength of having tried something different in "family animation".

Shattered Pearls

(I'm posting this today due to recent events. But eventually I'll move this post to its proper date.)

July 22 - 23, 2008

Wow… In less than 24 hours my (Vana) world was turned upside down. The summary:

Tuesday I had promised Aleu COR quest help. We set out around 12, and after much boat riding and waiting for boats, she, I, and two friends from her sis’ shell set out. The borrowed muscles belonged to Caldor and Demolisher. They met us after I was fixing Aleu up post-wipe. Big octopus…so many arms…/shudder

We slogged our way through the Mire since Aleu hasn’t had any chance to unlock portals yet (her first visit was that afternoon). For some reason, Cal and Demo opted to fight rather than grab the free key. Long story short, after making it to Arrapago and trying to farm for a bit, Caldor disappears. Aleu and I joke that he’s gone for the freebie, and sure enough, he comes back a few minutes later with key in hand.

On the boat with the first of the two COR ??? spots, Aleu clicks for her cutscene. I somehow get aggroed by a Merrow Enchantress and die trying to sleep it. I asked the rest of the party if they went for a nap. No, it turns out all three of them were flagging COR. I was the only one stupid enough not to do so. /sigh I apologized for my rudeness and waited for them to finish.

It took major work and TWO MORE deaths on my part, plus Demo’s demise once, but we finally cleared the way. By now it was after 2am and I really had to go. The three of them carried on after I bade them luck.

Deaths: Aerin x4, Aleu x1, Demo x1

A couple of times Aleu started to say something about Fhox and Archer. Apparently something was going on with Fhox and Isa that irritated Arch but she seemed to think he had calmed down. Apparently he threatened to leave RDB! She said something about RDB getting to be like high school. I commented that whatever it was, people deserved happiness and that I hope it worked out.

I shut down and the PS3 locked up. I couldn’t get any kind of response so I did the hold-power-for-8-seconds trick and went to bed. When I woke up, Matt, Cole and Bran were up and Matt reported the PS3 wasn’t working. I tried some troubleshooting but couldn’t get it to stay on. Eventually it stopped booting at all.

All day at work Wednesday I was bummed. Partly because I can’t afford to replace TheAlmighty, and partly because I’d miss yet another static. And this one I had clearance from Ape to be on! ^^

When I got home at about 7, I launched right into hardcore troubleshooting mode. It booted right up the first time. WTH? I left it on Bladestorm’s menu and ate dinner with Ape in our room and watched Raymond. When I came back out some 30 minutes later, I found a frozen screen.

Further attempts to boot up would result in an XMB then a freeze, garbled images, or no boot. I tried yanking the drive wondering if some corruption was interfering with boot-up. But it wouldn’t do squat. I believe the PS3’s OS is completely in memory so drive or no drive it should boot, but no luck. Damn!

Then Matt tells me it had booted in the morning but had frozen in mid-game (Lego Star Wars of course). Hmmm… That seems more and more like a heating or power problem. I started wondering if the fall the PS3 took in early June could have dorked up the heatsinks. I Googled a PS3 disassembly tutorial (www.llamma.com/PS3/repair/PS3_disassembly_tutorial.htm; use the Google cache) and set to work.

An hour later I have a pretty gutted system. Nothing’s broken and I can’t tell if the sinks had come loose but the paste looked shot to hell. I scraped up some leftovers surrounding the two chips, heated it, then spread it as evenly as I could. I don’t think I had it soft enough but whatever. I was desperate.

It took only 30 minutes or so for reassembly and I opted to leave the case off (note, the memcard panel needs to be unscrewed and clicked into the holder in the top shell before fitting or removing the shell). It booted fine and the drive was OK. I tried a backup just to see how much space I’d need. 37 gigs – time to buy that external drive I think!

By now it was after 11 and I knew I’d missed the static. I never got a reply from Fhox to the FL+ message I sent about my hardware problem. Before logging all the way in I did the Ctrl-Alt-Shift + B sequence to back up my macro book to POL. And I did get in, so 6/6 since the last fix – yay!

And then… And then…

I see that there are few Brigaders on and the static isn’t ongoing. Fhox said the group only managed one level and people had to go because they were tired. Since I was trying to finish up a game of My Word! with the fam, I told the group I’d be AFK for a bit. I was planning on some farming and ninja scroll speculating.

On my way to the bathroom, I see some PMs. It doesn’t take long for some random LS chatter from Enzio, and back-to-back PMs from Aleu and Fhox for me to find out what had been going on earlier.

It seems Archer led a defection from RDB to his own shell and Fhox had only found out about it because he found some Brigaders wearing another pearl and in invisible status. The reason for the defection was never spelled out but I was led to believe it had to do with Fhox devoting too much time on Isa and not the others.

I don’t have a full list but it looks like Archer, Yalto, Aleu, Enzio, Alima and perhaps a couple others have chosen to break off.

In shell, Fhox was saying he supports people growing beyond RDB but that he wishes he’d found out differently. Privately he’s saying I can do what I feel I need to but that I’ve been a loyal Brigader and he appreciates that.

When Aleu told me about the split and invited me over, I actually sent her a /cry. I almost shed tears in real life too. In 18 months of FFXI I have strived never to be in this position. I avoid endgame for many reasons, but personal drama is one of them. I told both camps I would think about it and that I needed time to myself.

I did tell Fhox that he was like my adventuring brother in Vana’diel and that I was proud to be his WHM Amateur. I also said I was OK with other people leaving because those people came in and faded out in a natural manner. This new thing is too much like a coup d’etat for my tastes.

I told Aleu I sincerely appreciated their offer and that I’d consider it. She understood that I had been close to Fhox and supported my choice either way.

And in the middle of all this, I got a blind tell from Aegis, formatted in RP language (Hail, Adventurer!) asking for PLD unlock help in Davoi. I told both camps I was going to help Aegis as a way of clearing my mind.

Aegis met me in Konschaht and I teleported us to Holla. On birdback, we reached Davoi quickly via Jugner Forest. He seemed really impressed with the new scenery (as a WAR36 he may not have been to many zones) and I joked it creeped me out, what with the obscuring trees and dark atmosphere. He said he’d protect me lol-ing about his level being half mine.

The Davoi run went smoothly until I took us to the southwest camp of high-end orcs where Fhox, Archer and I had had so much trouble some weeks ago. I forgot the proper route to the Disused Well for his PLD key item and I died. I was able to reraise and he somehow survived but then I died again without RR. Then he died while I returned from HPing. Then we both died as we entered the stream. I pulled aggro from a Dreadnought even though I had Sneak up (I thought). We ran for it and then we wiped very close to the well.

I reraised again, tractored him to the well’s little canyon pass, and raised him. He got his key item and I teleported us to Holla again so he could close out the quest in Sandy. He was very appreciative for the help and tried to give me all sorts of things. I politely declined asking only that he be the best Paladin he can be and keep his parties going.

Deaths: Aerin x3, Aegis x2 (total XP loss for both nights = 6k +)

By now, of course, it was later than it was supposed to be. I went to bed but sleep would be hard to find. This Brigader business was still weighing heavily on my mind.

I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I want to ask both Fhox and Archer, separately of course, what their take is. I really want to know why Arch felt he needed to lead a revolution instead of asking Fhox to refocus his attention.

I also want to know what kind of shell Arch plans to run, assuming he is in fact its leader.

And unless I learn something earth-shaking, I know I need to find a way to stay connected to both groups. I don’t think I can leave Fhox, period. I’ve often thought about what I’d do if something happened to RDB, but those analyses always assumed it was Fhox leaving FFXI, dissolving the shell or appointing a new leader.

I never once thought I’d be pitted friend against friend. I know *they* aren’t doing it – it’s me. I don’t think I can split my time between two full-time socials, and I don’t want to leave Fhox. I had thought I might do some kind of schedule where Fhox gets me most of the time and I hang out with the others on certain days.

Another big problem for me is that I see myself as a bit of an empath – I pick up on others’ emotions and they can affect me intensely. Even if they aren’t present physically, my awareness of people having emotional stress will get to me. It’s why listening is one of my strong skills and why I don’t surround myself with people. I get an influx of emotion just from my families here.

If I get caught up in Brigader issues it will just add to the pain of this split. I wonder what Kitty would say…

No matter what happens, I must make sure neither side sees me as any kind of disruptive agent for the other. I want to be friends with all of these people, dammit!

Oh, one more lol – before asking Fhox for personal space, I joked about how on earth I’d blog about this. He laughed then suggested “Wayward Sons” as a title. That was actually quite good! Also blog-related, I mentioned my blog to Aleu during Tuesday’s COR fun but she didn’t comment.

Tanking Illuyankus

Tonight was finally Besieged for me! The Mamool Ja were coming and it was going to be my night. But before that, I ran into Dark. On WHM. In West Saruta. I offered to PL him until the advance began and he and I chatted for quite awhile. Mostly about the fall of GD and the new shell he was in, TotusValidus. He pearled me but I said I might take awhile to come over.

In any case, he got three levels while I was out there with him and then it was time to go. I made my way to Al Zahbi and parked near the MH entrance. I asked Clone the Elder to listen for the battle music, expecting maybe 15-20 minutes' break, which I spent with Ape. Sure enough about 20 minutes later he calls out and I dash back to Vana'diel and get ready for what I hope is a fun and productive night.

Turns out it would be too. I capped Eva, got a point or two on Club, and moved both Divine and Enfeeb closer to the goal. I also started experimenting with the non-mana-based temp items, as normally I cast only. On club & shield I was able to boost my stats enough to hit things from time to time. For once, lol!

Eventually, Illuyankas showed up and began beating people senseless. I had been warding General Rughadjeen when the three-headed beast appeared. I got flattened a couple times too, then found the "invincible" item ^^ I used it, then a wing and hit Illy with a Hexa for pathetic damage. But it was enough that he directed his fury on me for half a minute and once the ward had fallen, I ran, only to be drawn in like 10 consecutive times! Neat!

When it was over, I had 1,500+ more LP and several needed SUs. And what the heck, I had fun too!

Which was good, because Kushi kinda peeved me. Later in my MH I was chatting with both K and Deej and K mentioned having had a rough day. I offered condolences which set her off. Why my sincere empathy is rejected I don't know, but it irked me. I'm trying to be the best friend I can and...

Anyway, I soon logged but not before hearing she'd also just started a job. If she said what kind I missed it because I logged soon after.

(Also started "Kushiel's Choice" today)

Powerful Leveling

I hope I get this one right, as I've really been feeling out of sorts lately...

On logging in, I found Kush in Aydeewa Subterrane. She asked for my aid and I asked back if she meant as main-heal or PL. It was a PL she was seeking, and Besieged was close to starting. I don't think I've PLed much, if at all, in the 60+ range, and I really wanted to work on capping my magic.

But I acquiesced and made my way there. It took a little doing but I made it safely to the camp and began my work. As an outsider, I really had little to offer the party besides cureskins and the odd -na spell. I was doing a lot of healing too, because their NIN tank was having a time of it holding hate...

Thankfully, with Sublimation and some well-timed rests, I managed not to run out of juice. It didn't hurt that, after a meal break, Kushi returned, meleeing and enfeebing rather than healing and kills started going down faster.

I was going to leave at 10:30 but stayed about 15 minutes longer so m'Lady could ding. Actually, I think there were quite a few dings which was nice. And the party was fun and appreciative.

During the PLing, Deej logged in and soon lamented about no party luck. I was wont to help after the PL session, even if it made me late, but I just couldn't. I promised him aid as soon as I could though and logged off.

Review Time!

Monday - Returned home after 3 days out of town. Archer is dissolving GD over member issues and time required. He's going to provide pearls to a good shell he knows. /snif

Tuesday - Tired of a week of "sleep of the damned" I took some PM stuff and actually slept for more than 4 hours. Dunno why I've had such a time of it lately but I've been keeling over at work... Gonna do it again Wednesday night.

Wednesday - Second of two full days working on a code deployment. Fortunately, the hangups weren't my code (or my teammate's) but system setup. Argh.

But, but! I finished Kushiel's Dart! I read the last 100 pages at a rush and nearly cried when it ended. I'm gonna have to swing by the bookstore tomorrow and grab the next one!

Welcome Back!!!

( -checks watch- It's about darn time! :3 )

It's been too quiet around here without you, Kushi-chan! Welcome back indeed! So, you saw Ponyo? It ws that good? I usually like Miyazaki's stuff but the setup as shown in the trailers hasn't hooked me yet...

Also, something lol-worthy happened to me today at GameStop. I'm wearing my AWA 14 con-shirt. For reasons I never got, the only pattern they made was a girl, sitting on a panda, surrounded by cherry blossoms. It's a bit girly looking but I like it none-the-less. And the guy behind the game counter seemed to find it very interesting, because he was staring at my chest pretty much the whole time he and I discussed some upcoming games.

I very nearly gave him the "eyes up here buddy" treatment. OK, so now that I've experienced it, I can see why you ladies find that so off-putting!