(That which does not kill me...)
The 25th to 27th was the weekend I got to experience two /wonderful/ things:
* My own little taste of Hell, and
* What my Soul Bridge feels like in action.
This weekend was by *far* the hardest thing I've faced in nearly 18 years with Ape. I'm not going to go into much detail, but let's just say Ape had a reason to cry herself to sleep Friday night. And then I spent Saturday morning crying and hurting for what I'd done. Sunday was recovery and anxiety for both of us.
I'm going to explain something about myself, and it may not make a lot of sense at first. But if you bear with, I think it will actually prove quite illuminating. My dear readers will learn something important about me, and they may learn soething about my allure as well.
Those of you who have put up with me these nearly three years know I claim to be an empath. To be fair, I've never boasted of Betazed-level abilities, but I definitely believe I feel the emotions of others. I honestly believe it is a God-given gift and the reason I'm an emotional healer in both worlds.
Paired with my listening skills and genuine concern for all, this makes me well-suited to minister to those around me. But this gift comes with a twin-gift (don't they always?) that is both blessing and curse.
I only recently found a good name for it: The Well of Sorrows. See, I don't just believe I feel others' emotions. I believe I absorb them somewhat. Said another way, if you're hurting, and I know it, I hurt too. But to make it possible for me to help, I have to be able to bear the hurt and provide the comfort you need.
The Well of Sorrows is where all this emotional pain goes. I've had it since my teenaged days. When I was on the brink of suicide, I made a choice to stop caring about what others thought of me. You know what they say about how God answers prayers? Yeah, I think the upshot was I got to escape my own depression in exchange for the calling to help others with whatever pain they held inside.
And don't get me wrong - it works on pretty much any form of "negative spiritual energy" - stress, anxiety, self-doubt, hate, the works. And as near as I know, it's pretty bottomless.
As much as it can be a burden to carry within my heart, I don't think I'd give it up. It's what allowed me to stand and provide much-needed strength to my father and sister when my mom had her cancer surgery those years ago.
Or when cousin Jordan was born with heart problems, suffered for three months and was killed in a medical mistake as he was recovering from his surgery. The pain shared by my SIL, her husband, Ape and the network of relatives was unbelieveable. I've never been a big fan of Death and having to attend the funeral of a three-month-old who was his parents' first child was a pain I never want to feel again. But before I could release mine, privately, leaning over Jordan's plot, I took as much of theirs as I could stand.
So, now you know what motivates me in both worlds to heal - to listen - to calm. But wait, the man says, there's MORE!
I have said countless times before that I would die to protect Ape. I've meant it too. One day, I was bored and anxious. I thought up a job ability I called "Soul Bridge". It's a one-time use ability that must be activated on a target before its effect will proc. Of course, I'd use it on Ape. Also, once activated, it can't be cancelled or reused. So, holding it in reserve because you don't know who to use it on won't work in a crisis - it has a LOOONG activation timer. This is something you have to KNOW.
OK, so once activated on a target, it lies dormant until conditions trigger it. Basically, it's a form of Phalanx wherein Soul Bridge absorbs a random amount of critical damage (25%~75%). Sounds pretty ordinary. Well, here's the clincher. It deals the mitigated damage back to its caller via the soul-bridge joining them, and the damage is dealt at least 2x. And since it only fires on criticals, expect that it only works on damage that in the real world (where I'd want to use it!) would be life-threatening.
You can see how such an ability could *possibly* save the one at the expenese of the other. And this is something I've prayed for, I love Ape that much. I have no idea how God will respond to this one, but given what He gave me 22 years ago, if He does choose to answer me I'm sure it'll be... interesting.
So, if you're still with me, I'll reset the first paragraph in our new context. Ape cried herself to sleep Friday. I knew it, and felt it. But to make matters worse, I knew what *caused* it, and it was heavy damage all around. So not only am I trying to fill the Well of Sorrows enough to help her, I'm taking Soul Bridge damage too. And here's were it gets hard - *I* was the cause of her pain, so I wound up creating a feedback loop...
Saturday morning was a painful blur as I tried my best to sort things out. I cried hard for I don't know how long. Mind you, I was driving at the time, headed who knows where. I wound up at a mall and I must have been a sight. I thought maybe I could leech off others' more-positive emotions but it didn't really work out. I came home and Ape and I spent a day and a half looking nervously at each other. I think I'd rather be dead than see that look in her eyes ever again.
