Abandonment

(This is my current mood and NOT a reflection on any person)

I logged in Friday night, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, Sunday night and Monday night. I had some very nice chats with my friends. But lately I'm feeling very frustrated...

I had plans for myself in Vana'diel. Plans on being an amazing White Mage. I know I took my sweet time reaching Maat and then beating him. But I really wasn't prepared for the total lack of progress since.

Aside from a couple of lucky-break PUGs for Aht Urghan missions, I have made zero progress on Nation, ZM, CoP or Altana missions. I've been 6-2 for ages and on the prelim missions in Zilart and CoP. I bought both Crystalline Prophecy and Moogle Kupo-d'Etat and have only managed the first missions of each.

Nyzul and relics and advanced weaponskills? Not happening either. AF2? Nope.

Lately, none of the shells I'm in wants to do these things, likely because they did them all long ago. Or because I'm often the only Windurstian...

AU and Jeuno are practically silent these days and if the party I got tonight is all I can get then, I guess I'm done XPing. Last Saturday's morning run was fantastic but the next two parties were letdowns. Tonight, f'rinstance, I was in the group for 2 hours. I got 4k XP. I can get close to that soloing FoV, but I hate doing that.

As many of my old friends are returning, it seems others are pulling back or leaving altogether. Swift return, Dark!

Life in Vana'diel was often *work* for me. But it used to be fulfilling work. I'd kick tail on main-heal, or break out my lowbies and share my time and insights with the Dunes Newbs. But with 14 on the horizon, it seems like people are bailing already. I haven't seen 2k players on a weeknight in some time and more than once over the weekend the total was under 2k as well. Hard to get an invite when there are only 16 seekers on...

Nowadays, I log in, flag up and feel like I'm chained to the chat log. Hoping I'll get the 'vite that never comes. Sometimes I do get to chat with my friends, whom I cherish deeply. But many nights, either no one's on or nobody's talking.

If it weren't for my dear friends and my desire for that wedding dress and rings, I think I'd already be gone. Or at least on hiatus.

Some have told me to use my LFG time on one of the world's hobbies. Well, I would, but I can't see the point raising Fishing or Woodworking up to usable levels just in time for the server wipes. And with more people out, the economy's gonna get fudged up too I'm afraid. Thankfully my main doesn't cost anything except for whatever Echo Drops go for. And that's only for when I'm careless or unlucky. So~o glad my main isn't NIN or RNG!

Any of you still reading my diary here, please know this isn't directed at any one of you. I don't want to even think of leaving the world that has been part of me for almost 3 years now. Aerin is basically me, and in a lot of ways, I'm her too. Past posts have highlighted how my focus on healing has made me feel like a better person in real life. And how it's just my nature to nurture.

I don't *want* to leave. But I'm getting tired of wasting hours every night not getting anywhere. If all I wanted was to chat with my friends, I'd toss FFXI, pocket the money, and just run AIM Express.

Oh wait, I did run AIM Express. "aerinofsiren", surprise surprise. I make no promises how often I'll be on, but I do truly value the friendships I've made these past 3 years and want to leave some line open if anyone wants.

P.S. I'm NOT leaving yet! Just mulling it over. For now, I'll still be on following my normal schedule.