Putting the Why in My Whyyyne...

I tried to explain to the Rogues why I was so upset and down yesterday. Later, talking with Kushi, I hashed it out some more. Here, in a nearly verbatim nutshell (but with clarifying notes added) is why I'm gutted over this Wedding pricing nonsense.

I was unfairly harsh to my friends, but sometimes, I need to be propped up too ^^

[Wed Nov 18 2009 11:25:59 PM]

I know it sounds tremendously trivial but I needed a goal - something on the horizon to keep striving for.
I can realistically chat with you and the others here [on AIM], and for free.
I know Sky, Sea, Goliard, AF2, Dyna, all that will never happen now.
But dammit, I had everything for that stupid, beautiful dress and the engraved rings with our real initials on them.

[After offers of help]
I'm trying with Rogues [on missions, etc.], but my timing isn't so good. They're already working on CoP 2 and 3 and I'm stuck fighting Holla.
I'm tired of Vana'diel feeling like a job again. For a long run, I was having fun with my friends and doing new or cool things. Then my [previous] shells fizzled and FF14 was announced. Siren's a ghost town now. Realistically speaking.

[...a short time later...]
It's hard to explain... I did want those things.
I wanted to gear my WHM up right and prove my worth in the harshest conditions. I wanted to be the best main healer so that I could give people real enjoyment at a level of the game not all reach.
More than that though, I wanted to experience the storylines.
Not just YouTube them - I wanted to see them unfold by my hand.

I don't really care anymore about the gear and the glory. It was never really about that.
I know I've made real differences in some people's lives and that's enough.
And I don't intend to stop either.
But this wedding was the one thing blessed by Ape in this whole world. Did I ever tell you how that came to be?

Last year (last year!) about October or so, Ape and my mom are doing weekly line dancing classes.
My mom bails and Ape doesn't want to go alone, so I offer to go with her. Somewhere along the way she mentions Facebook weddings.
It's not anything other than a status as it turns out, so the deal becomes, I line dance with you, you let me get us married. It'll cost a little bit and take some time, but do we have a deal?
She agreed and in May I got Jesup. Ape never had any intention of real play, but she did enjoy running around towns and messing with people in chats.
The clones got a kick out of it for a month or so.
Then Jesup became a $13/month mule. Well beyond his expected lifespan.
I'm telling you this haphazard story to get back to the main point:
This was the one thing in Vana'diel April had any partnership in, however tenuous. The vows I wrote and would have recited were very real.
Tomorrow is our 15th anniversary, and in a week or so, we'll be renewing our vows.
I plan to read the unused Vana vows. Almost verbatim. They're really good.
Yes, I really just wanted the dress so I could look prettyful. Yes, the rings with our real initials would have been nice too.
But I've spent nearly three years in service to the denizens of Vana'diel, doing my best to keep myself useful.

THIS was my one indulgence - by me, for me.

That's why, for the first time in like, ever, I've shown any kind of negative emotion around others ingame. Never had much need before...